I feel kind of ridiculous posting this after 6 months of struggling. I wasn't sure whether to post this here or in the coworker section, but I figured this would probably be the best place. Forgive me if this gets long, but I'm on the verge of doing something stupid.

About 1 year ago, a distance began to set in between me and my wife, we are under 30, and have been together for 5 years with 1 child. This is understandable as I was engulfed in work and a secret drug addiction at the time. I sober up with no rehab. I say this so everyone knows I was asking for it.

The first week back from a family vacation, she seems interested in pinning down my plans for that Saturday, and then tells me she has to go into work on Saturday (2nd time in 2 years). I plan to spend the day with our son.

As soon as I wake up to her getting ready that morning, I know that something in wrong. Shes taking a lot of time primping, and I watch as she goes to put on a sexy bra (she never wears those). Naturally I make a comment about it, she takes it off saying it doesn't fit, and she doesn't have any that do. She goes into work, and calls me 2 hours later. "See, I'm at work" she says as I hear a keyboard in the background. About 45 minutes later, I call her at work, no answer. For about 3 hours she is MIA, on cell phone and work phone. When she gets home, I confront her. I had been looking at her phone usage online that day, and I see that she has deleted calls to a girlfriend from her phone. I flip out and say, I know she's up to something, I will not be in a relationship like this, and if she wants me to stay, she will take a polygraph. She hesitantly agrees, and then tells me how crazy I am. Eventually she admits to hiding helping her girlfriend hide an affair from her husband. This is true. I eventually leave and come back drunk to a night of the best sex we've had in years.

The next morning while at work, I check her phone online and see that while I was gone, she called a strange number. I call her up and ask who it is. She says its her girlfriends other guy. When tell her I'm gonna call it, she says "I have a friend too, and thats his number". The whole situation gets crazy for days with intermittent incredible sex between us, and eventually I am convinced that it is just a friend from work that she didn't want to mention because I'm so paranoid. We make up and everything is wonderful. I flip out here and there, and she gets very defensive, but we always make up.

One day about a month later, I realize I can check her picture mail. I find that she sent him a picture of herself in a bathing suit from our family beach trip. I see that she sent it to her girlfriend first for approval. She admits that there was an inappropriate relationship but nothing physical. She begs me to give her a polygraph. As usual, this is an empty request. She maintains she did not see him that Saturday. 2 weeks later, I convince her I'm going to get logs of her text messages from that time. She gets very upset, and says "It's a bad idea", "you'll end up getting your feelings hurt", etc. That night she admits that he was there that day, they were together at the office for about 30 min, and that he invited her to lunch, and she declines. From this point on, her story changes many times about when he came and went, who was around, and that lunch was a possibility, but he really wanted to go to the mall.

Just the other day, the story changed again when it came up. I've been going crazy for 6 months. I think about this at least once a day. I need peace of mind, and I feel like I have to take some kind of action. I could confront him, but why would he tell me the truth. I could call his wife, but if it really is nothing, I would be playing the psycho husband part, and give him another reason to start talking to her. I believe that they do avoid each other, and I must say, from what I can see, he is a total goof ball. He's supposedly terrified of me, and I don't blame him, I'm a pretty tough customer. I could ask her coworker alibi but then I'm making a fool of us at her work. I have to know its driving me crazy!

Well litercola... you're in the right place. And I'm sorry.

Your wife is cheating on you with that guy. That's why he's terrified of you, that's why your wife's story keeps changing, that's why she has sexy new underwear for a day at work. The incredible sex afterwords? Yeah... typical behavior for a cheater on the verge of getting caught. It's extra spicy because of the danger, fear of loss (losing you), fear of getting caught, guilt over what she's doing (making it "taboo" and extra dirty!). She's feeling very emotional (confused, excited, guilty, etc.), so she becomes more passionate. It's a normal reaction... for a cheater. It's also a better bet that her friend is helping your wife hide her affair, not the other way around. And I'd bet a lot of money that it's been a physical affair for a few months prior to that Saturday... at least. (Was that Saturday a year ago? Have you been suspicious about this for a year?)

So listen - before you do anything stupid, listen carefully. DO NOTHING. Be the happy husband for now. If you blow up now, get squishy or act weird, especially after being suspicious for however long you've been suspicious now, you'll blow it and she'll destroy all the evidence and take the affair underground. You need to prepare to confront her. With evidence. First, get a key logger right now (and pay for it). Refog.com worked for me (buy the cheapest package they have and you'll get $10 off the upgrade at install time. Upgrade only to the next level and you'll get a discount on the next upgrade too). Go through the phone records, credit cards and bank statements and everything else you can think of, and start marking everything that's suspicious. Build a time line (the phone records will help you figure out when this started. Find his number and look back to when the texting and calls really started to take off. That's when it started.) You will not show this to her - you will use this to verify (or shoot holes) in her story. And prepare yourself for some amazing stories of "coincidence", "irony" and "funny circumstance!". We all get it. But make sure you have concrete proof (preferably more than one or two examples) of her affair before confronting her. -- And when you confront her, STAY CALM. Do not shout, call her names, cry (if you can help it), or over react in any way. If you do, she will be far less likely to give you the whole truth. (In fact, you should really check with us about your evidence before confronting her so we can help you deal with what she'll say. They all say the same thing... because they all panic when they're caught).

Next, read the extended version of what to do immediately in this thread (save me some carpal tunnel please...). Most of this you will do after you bust her, but read it now so you're prepared. And prepare for the worst - this sucks. But it is survivable.
http://www.infidelity.com/forum/Day-10So-confused-t2672.html

Finally, listen up - your secret drug addiction is a big fscking problem, and one you'll need to deal with, with her. Any other problems you've had you're more than welcome to take credit for. But her affair had nothing to do with you, so don't accept an ounce of blame for it. This is important. It's not your fault. Nothing you did gave her permission to do this, you never talked about it, and there was nothing you could have done to prevent it. Anything you could have done was tossed out with the rest of your marriage the second she chose to hide it from you. You can't work on a problem that you didn't know existed - and she's been hiding a lot of problems from you. DO NOT take any of the blame for this. Not for a second - this was her decision, and these were her actions. Do not let her even suggest that its partly your fault. (It will seriously undermine your chances for a full recovery and stronger marriage...)

If it helps at all, I do see some hope for your marriage in your story. The fact that your wife took off the bra and made that lame excuse tells me she does feel guilty about it and does care about you. The fact that she went anyway tells me she's deeply in "the fog" and has somehow managed to justify it - and the longer she's been doing that, the worse shape you're in. Even so, there's hope. It doesn't look like your wife is doing this to you to hurt you, she's just trying to escape whatever is wrong with her life. (And that's not you...)

One last thing - when this blows up, and it will, be sure and call her girlfriends' husband and tell him what your wife told you. That your wife has been helping his wife hide an affair. Sound crazy? It will do one of two things. 1. Your wife's friend has been helping her hide her affair from you, and will now have to try to save her own marriage. This means she will no longer be available to help your wife hide her affair. It also means she'll throw your wife under the bus to save her own marriage (making you all she has left, so she'll work harder to save her marriage). She's a bad friend to your wife anyway, and a worse friend to your marriage. 2. Your wife's friend is also having an affair, they've been helping each other. Same consequence as number 1, but at least her husband knows. You'll have a new drinking buddy. And if they've been helping each other have affairs... well, they're basically in a support group for cheaters, encouraging each others' behavior, and that's not going to work for anyone, is it? <added later> -> Your wife's friend, when "outed" to her husband will undoubtedly try to clear the air and will tell you that she was helping your wife hide her affair. So that's another way you'll know that your wife was hiding an affair - your wife's friend isn't going to cover for your wife if her own marriage is on the line. That's what I meant...

Sorry man. I really am. We can help you though, so keep us posted.

Everything that BWHK has stated x 100. She is cheating. Call her girlfriends husband as BWHK has suggested and I gurantee that your wife is having the affair. Her husband will go nuts on the friend and in defence she will expose your wife to save her ass. Find out if OM is married, if he is he will be traumatized to know that you have found out and will offer you all kinds of details to save his ass.

Tell your wife that you will need that polygraph test after all, book it, and ask her if there is anything she wants to tell you before the test, because if something shows up at that point your are done, they will often come clean at that point. Get a key logger absolutely. You may want to get a Voice Activated Recorder, about $50.00 at Bestbuy and Radioshake, hide it under her car seat. That is where she will have most of her private calls, she may have a second hidden phone that you don't know about. There is defenetely something going on my friend. She is lying trought her teeth and she knows you are on to her, expect her to go into hidding.

Next time you confront your wife have the VAR in your shirt pocket and record your conversation with her. Check recent purchases for sexy underwear that you haven't seen before. They will sometimes cary sexy clothes in their car. Explain to your wife that you will give her one chance to tell you the truth, if she lies and her lie shows up on the polygraph, there will be no chance of reconciliation, ask her again if there is anything she wants to tell you? Explain that you will persue her storey, that it better be true, if any part of her storey is not true you will ask her to leave. Her storey changes, it stinks. Sorry friend. Deleating messages, sexy underwear, giving you all kinds of wild sex, I will bet money she's riding the other guy, and I will tell you that they have been having unprotected sex. You will need to test her for STD's as well as giving her a pregnancy test, it happened to me.

I agree, she is certainly cheating, what with all the lying, bra deal, etc. Many of us had similar evidence but were in denial. Nothing to be ashamed of, as we want to avoid the pain. But, no question, yo busted her.
ia gree, lay low and play dumb . You will get even more concrete evidence , if you can discipline yourself to act unsuspecting while you investigate.