About 7 years ago, my wife started coming home late from work with no phone calls or explanations. This went on for a while until one night she came home about 20 to 7 from a job where she should have been home at 5:30. She walked in and I just looked at her. She said nothing, gave me a sick look, would not look me in the eyes, and went into the BR to change without a word. This kind of thing happened off and on while she had the job. Then she had to quit, could not stand it there anymore etc. She also dressed like a hooker at the company Christmas party, then never wore the outfit again. What really bothers me is that she duplicated conduct from when she had an A many years ago, especially not looking me in the eye. I have tried to put this past me, denied it etc. But I find I have been treating her like shit for years and this is one of the main reasons. I think we need to have a talk, to tell her what I feel, but I am sure she will deny. She is a very cool liar and she never makes a mistake. Yes, I married one of those. I was thinking about running a bluff - like I know you did this, I had emails etc.

I'm guessing that she will deny, but I think that if she gets angry and defensive, it is the same as admitting.

Any advice at all, including letting it go would be appreciated. I am really conflicted, mostly b/c this is the 2nd time. Anyone out there ever been in my shoes?

How soon are you going to confront her?

Short form, stay calm. Explain why you've been treating her badly in great detail, and explain how you feel. DO NOT tell her how she feels or argue with how she feels. That will make her (or anyone) defensive.

I'll post more when I can, but is she acting strangely again, or was this all 7 years ago (like the Xmas dress)?

It went on for a while after she took a new job, lost a lot of weight, then started working extra hours, even on Sundays! But pretty much stopped about 6 yrs ago. I plan to have the talk on Saturday

OK, I have a couple of questions from your first post;

What kind of sick look? -- It could be that someone at her work was treating her like trash and had hurt her feelings. It could be that she was outclassed in her job, made a mess of it and was ashamed of her intellect / performance / appearance. I'm not making excuses, just trying to understand what you mean by "sick". Maybe she felt like an idiot at work and didn't want to tell you about it (because you'd been mean to her about it before).

Was she forced out, or quit on her own? And what were her reasons for quitting exactly? This matters... maybe she was forced out because of an office affair. So what did she tell you exactly about why she left?

Questions - was this an outfit you approved of? Even liked her wearing in public? Did she want to dress like that or was she nervous and 'sick' about it? What was her behavior like at the party? -- This is kind of sick to think about, but I'm wondering if your wife has ever been raped, or possibly or molested as a child. It's possible that someone at her work compromised her in some way and was blackmailing her into sexual favors. Maybe had pictures of her, or threatened to tell you about something? And maybe that person told her to dress like a slut at the Christmas party 'or else' - and she did it because she was ashamed to tell you what was going on. Maybe that's why she hated it there and had to quit. The rape/molestation question will speak to whether or not she's vulnerable to that kind of blackmail or coercion from an aggressive man, so that's why I ask. If she wasn't raped or molested, it's highly unlikely she'd fall into that trap - but if she was... it's very likely she put herself in a situation she didn't know how to get out of and someone took full advantage of her 'damage'. *NOTE: I could also be completely off base here, but it's something I've been reading about in some abuse/survivor books recently. Victims of sexual abuse tend to put themselves in situations unintentionally as a way to try to gain some clarity and control over what happened to them, and end up making things a lot worse for themselves. Especially if the person their doing it with is a scum bag.

So it's not just this incident 7 years ago, she's cheated on you before and you found out - is that right? What happened that time?

That could be a big part of the problem - you treating her like shit is not ok and would make her extremely vulnerable to an affair. Especially from anyone who seemed genuinely nice and interested in her. [Not sure if you treating her badly was before or after either affair, but seriously dude - not OK. And you're going to need to apologize like mad and make amends for it - no matter what she's done, your not innocent and have to own your behavior. And commit to changing it.].

Bluffs are dangerous and prone to backfiring badly, so don't do that unless you have something. You bluff when have something, so when they lie you can show them that you know they're lying. After two or three times of being caught in a lie (if you stay calm) they usually stop risking the lie. But if you bluff and she calls you on it, you lose even the appearance of knowing what you're doing. And she'll lie just to punish you for trying to manipulate her.

Angry and defensive is a natural reaction to having your character attacked, so you can pretty much expect that whether or not she cheated. However, the magnitude of her defensive / angry reaction can be telling. If it's way over the top at first, and then she kisses up to you almost immediately saying 'lets make our future better' while skirting around the entire argument, she's probably hiding something (that's not proof she cheated, just suggests that she's hiding something. And she could be hiding anything, including feelings of resentment for you treating her like shit, anger for feeling betrayed by you and your behavior... anything. It just means she's not comfortable being open and honest with you. And honestly, why would she be if you've been treating her so badly for 7 years?). If she dwells on the anger and resentment... she probably didn't and resents the hell out of the accusation. Anger and resentment you are going to have to deal with.

OK! So - those are my questions, and I'll elaborate a little on the confrontation; First, you can't react or be emotional in any way to anything she says (good or bad). That exposes you to manipulation and will derail the conversation regardless. Make it a 'matter of fact' conversation, and make it OK for her tell you the truth. THANK HER for telling the truth about anything and everything you know is the truth. Or you wont get it. You have to make her feel safe enough to open up to you - and honestly, she may open up about how much she hates and resents you for the way you've behaved. You have to make this OK, and take it, until the conversation is over. Don't defend yourself or your actions - if she accusing you of being a dick, agree with her (or ask her what she means if you don't understand why she accused you of that). DO NOT correct her about anything. If you remember something differently, keep it to yourself for now and just listen to her side of it. THIS IS IMPORTANT! If she thinks you're belittling her, correcting her, making her out to be the bad guy, she'll clam the hell up. Anyone would. The chances are, she wants to talk about it for whatever reason. So let her talk, and show her you're listening! If your not listening, it will start to turn into an argument. When that happens, shut up and back off - and ask her to go on. The key to this is LISTEN. Listen to what she says, how she says it, and WHAT she says. Record it if you can, and write down everything. You can analyze it and correct it later - right now, you just listen. (If you do it right, she'll feel closer to you immediately. Safer. And she'll show it by hugging you, kissing you, looking at you more. If she doesn't admit to an affair but acts like this after the conversation is over... this is not proof she lied, this is proof that you did it right - you listened. And she feels valued by you and wants to be close to you. And it could mean she thinks she got away with it. That's why you record and write down everything that was said - so you can look for inconsistencies and ask her to elaborate later. That will help you expose the lies (if any). And as long as she trusts you, feels safe with you, and you don't over react, she'll keep talking and you'll get the truth. It's also helpful to write it all down so if her story keeps changing you can call her on it. If there's something to get, you'll get it by picking at the cracks in her story. But be very careful that you don't see cracks where there aren't any - this was 7 years ago so her story won't be solid anyway. If there aren't many cracks and her story doesn't change dramatically... it's probably all in your head).

Finally - go here for what you're going to go through if she cheated on you and what you need to do to try to save your marriage. Or at least figure out if you want to try to save it.
http://www.infidelity.com/forum/advice-betrayed-t2734.html

Last question, and badlife, and you have to tell me the truth here because it changes how you approach this whole thing: ONE: Have you ever cheated on her, and TWO: if so, does she know about it? [You have to tell me either way, because even if you think she doesn't know about it, she probably does. Just like you probably know she cheated on you 7 years ago but have never said anything).

No matter what dude, you have to deal with this mistrust between you. Neither of you are happy... but you really can be if you stop avoiding all the shit in your lives and start dealing with it. 7 years is a long time to drag around things that should have been said 7 years ago.

(Sorry if this is blunt - I'm in a hurry...)

Be honest and ask her to be likewise. Tell her you know and you want to save the marriage. Tell her you will not stay in a marriage where there is infidelity and lies. Let her know you think there is still hope for your marriage but a lot depends on her honesty. Suggest IC and Marriage counselling. Wish you the best. Let us know how it turns out.