My husband of 14 years had an affair the sumer of 2007. I knew something was wrong.. I asked him several times. He denied everything. One night I got his blackberry and found all the emails between him and her. The last one I read was that she thought she was preganant. It was literally like being kicked in the face. We have three small children together, and I was crushed. We somehow managed to work it through, but we are not the same. Fast forward to now, I have the feeling again. I know who it is because I was there when she sent him an im. He says that she is a co-worker and that is it. I looked her up on Facebook but have not contacted her. I just know in my heart we are back down this dark road. I wish I had proof, he put a password on his blackberry so I can't access it. I am having a hard time with this. I called a PI but they are so expensive so I am sort of desperate. I have asked him but he denies. He denied the last time and only came clean when he was caught. The feeling that your spouse can betray you is so awful and I struggle with this. Any thoughts??

First of all, I'm sorry. I understand. It SUCKS.

The more you push him for information... the more he hides and goes underground. You have to and need to go about your business as usual. All the while, EYES WIDE OPEN. Document, watch, listen, get things sorted out with regards to schedules, banking, e-mail. You will have what you need. Many times we just miss stuff.

This sucks, I know. You shouldn't be in this situation with someone whom you should be able to trust.

Hang in there. Be strong. EYES WIDE OPEN.

Hi jersey, sorry you're here.
I replied to this chain on everything you should do first (10 things to do immediately - not all of them apply until you have hard proof (like, STD tests aren't required if he hasn't gone through with it yet);
http://www.infidelity.com/forum/Day-10So-confused-t2672.html
Pay special attention to #10 - get a key logger! Consider getting a VAR (@ $50) and put it in the car or wherever you think he's having these secret conversations. Definitely keep your eyes open and stop it from going any further as soon as you have proof. He'll just deny it until you have proof - but once you have proof, you need to hit him with it hard. And if she's a co-worker, he needs to quit that job immediately. It's impossible to rebuild the trust (and end the affair) if he still has contact with her.

How did you work through it last time? What did you do? Did you figure out what made him vulnerable and is he doing everything he can to prevent it from happening again? [Obviously not, or you wouldn't be suspicious... sorry].

I hope you don't find anything, I hope he's just in the initial stages, but you need to work through it right this time. If it's starting again, you didn't work through it last time - he just ended that affair and you both let it go over time. That doesn't work.

hi jersey,
im sorry youre here! one way i got a look at my wife blackberry was i called her as she got out of her car. and i hung up before she answered it. she came in and unlocked it to see who called. she put it on the counter and went to take her shoes off and i got it before it locked and found out quite a bit. she is a liar and she got sloppy and scewed up. other than that, i dont know of a way to get in them. i've said this before and i'll say it again, listen to the fine folks here and do what they say as best as you can. follow through and come here for support.
i hope you have good luck

and again i'm sorry, you're in good company here!
take care

At some point, you could ask him to unlock the blacberry in front of you. Given your history, this is not an unreasonable request. It really isn't an unreasonable request between any married couple. If he refuses or stalls for time, that will give you a good indicator of whether you should be worried. Since you asked recently though, he may have already deleted incriminating messages, if there were any.

As for contacting the possible OW, just know that if there is something going on, she will probably lie to you about it, so it may not do any good to talk to her. And another possibility if they're having an affair is that it may send them further underground.

I really hope for you that it is nothing. But it sounds like you two have plenty of unfinished business from his affair of almost 3 years agao. I've found out my H had not cut off his affair with his old girlfriend 6 times now. (OMG I'm depressed now after realizing it has been that many times!!!! I don't think I'd ever actually counted them before) I didn't know what to do about it for so long. Now I feel like I finally have some useful information and knowledge. And I gaining new skills for dealing with this as well. Have you implemented any of the suggestions that butwehavekids gave you? He has been so helpful to me.

Remember, you are stonger than you realize!

You should have full access to your husbands phone. I didn't and now I know why, he was hiding emails and phone calls. Now that I know, I have access to everything and that will never go away.

A VAR in his car is a very good idea because that is where he will have most of his talks with her. I would do as bwhk has suggested, a key logger will give you his passwords and expose any secret accounts he may have.