Printable Version of Topic
Click here to view this topic in its original format
Infidelity Power Board _ Share Your Experience _ Betrayed after 17 years
Posted by: kmchhouston Feb 28 2010, 08:53 PM
I really do not know what to write but I guess I will just start..................
I found out at 3:00 am when I tried to call my husband this morning that he was with another woman, a stripper.Yeah, he has been gone for some reason or another every nite this week, finally at 3:00 this morning I had enough and confronted him. After much delay on his part, he confessed that he was involved with this person. I told him to get out!We were married for almost 16 years, been together almost 18. He was my everything, I have no family alive so he meant everything to me.He came home around 4 this afternoon and got his stuff to go live with this stripper. I just dont see how someone can walk out on someone they have been with for that length of time. I may not be perfect but I have always been faitful and supported him.This has not been his only affair I found out in september 09 that he had had an affair, and there were rumors that there was another one I just could not find out the name of the chic. This is the first time though he has ever left.I don't know what I am feeling, I think shock and anger and sadness and so many other emotions!I just don't know what to do from this point. I keep feeling one way and then another.Any advice would be greatly appreciated on how to maintain a somewhat of a friendship with him so he will stay involved in our children's lives.
Posted by: butwehavekids Mar 1 2010, 01:42 PM
Kmchhouston, I'm so sorry. I know you're hurting right now, but you are incredible. Kicking him out was the right thing to do (imo). He's obviously in 'the fog' and enjoying his freedom at your expense. If it helps at all, his 'new' relationship is doomed to failure and he'll be suffering soon enough. It might take her (the stripper) a month, but she's going to get pretty sick about having a new room mate within a month (close quarters breeds discontent, and she doesn't know what its like yet to spend a LOT of time with him), and he's going to start getting irritated by her hours and her job - they'll have their first fight within about 2 weeks, and it will end badly in a few weeks more.) That's going to be hard on you because he'll start to see what he's lost and he'll want to come back. And he'll have no where else to go. Given his recent history, I don't think you should take him back - at least any time soon, and definitely not for at least a month after it ends completely between them. So brace yourself and stay strong. [And you really are really strong... good for you!]
Given your current situation, there are some things you need to do; First, don't worry about maintaining a friendship (or a relationship) with him. That will work itself out in time. DO NOT worry about him - he can take care of himself (obviously), and he's not your problem anymore. For now, just protect yourself and work on picking yourself up. Read up on 'the 180' (search for it here) and incorporate it into your life. It's a way for you to regain a sense of control for yourself, and to start moving on in spite of everything. Second - it's going to be OK. In fact, it will be pretty great for you soon. Do some things for yourself this week - be selfish. Get a massage, get a haircut that displays the person you want to be, throw out your old clothes and go on a shopping spree to build the image of the person you are (or want to be) inside. (What's he going to do - complain about the money? Fk him.). Make it dramatic. Go over the top. This is not a challenge, KM, it's a requirement. You have nothing to lose, so do it. With that done, make a lunch date with some old friends. Don't bother telling them what's going on with you, just plan to have fun and find out what they've been up to. Go dancing. Remember something you used to love to do, and then find a club to join that does it. That will start building a new circle of friends for you and get you out of the house. I know a lot of this might feel trite or that you just have the motivation to do it, but you NEED to. Find the strength to do it.
Next, start a journal (or use the one you have) to write out all that you're feeling. Do it here if you have to. It's a way for you to vent all your questions and frustrations safely - trust me, it works wonders.
Get a lawyer and figure out how to protect yourself and your assets. He left - he doesn't get anything. That was his choice, he's a grown up and will have to deal with the consequences. Take advantage of his guilt and regret and take all you can, and get it in writing! You'll need it later, it's the right thing to do, and the feeling of power and control will do more to move you forward than any of us can describe. You may not have to go through with the divorce, but BE PREPARED. And do it quickly.
Go to some classes on co-parenting and dealing with a divorce. They're usually offered on weekends at local colleges or high schools, and you'll find some people who really know what you're going through.
Stay calm and professional around your husband. No fighting! No snide comments, no reactions (he'll needle you for something - don't take the bait!), do not engage him on an emotional level. Be courteous, even kind, but do not let him know how your doing, what your doing, or what to do next. Let him feel what it's like to not know what the hell is going on. Smile.
And last - what you're feeling is classic post traumatic stress. It's chemical as much as emotional, so you'll just have to roll with it - it takes a few weeks to start calming down. Don't beat yourself up over it, we all go through it and it is tough, but it's not your fault. Your hormones are wreaking havoc, so when you feel down just let yourself feel down and understand that it will pass. And it will come back, and that will pass too. We call it the emotional roller coaster - you have to ride it, it's scary and confusing, but it will pass. Working out will help you get off the emotional crazy-train, so start working out (a lot) today. Running is excellent to combat the PTSD (they call it the runners high, but it might take a week or two to get there if you're not a runner), but any exercise will do it. Just do it - morning and night if you can, but at least a full hour of moderate to intense activity. Don't forget to eat (take supplements and energy bars if you have to, but you need fuel - for the exercise and to stabilize your chemistry).
Hang in there - you're going to be OK. We can help, so come talk to us when you need to.
Posted by: kmchhouston Mar 3 2010, 08:53 PM
Given your current situation, there are some things you need to do; First, don't worry about maintaining a friendship (or a relationship) with him. That will work itself out in time. DO NOT worry about him - he can take care of himself (obviously), and he's not your problem anymore. For now, just protect yourself and work on picking yourself up. Read up on 'the 180' (search for it here) and incorporate it into your life. It's a way for you to regain a sense of control for yourself, and to start moving on in spite of everything. Second - it's going to be OK. In fact, it will be pretty great for you soon. Do some things for yourself this week - be selfish. Get a massage, get a haircut that displays the person you want to be, throw out your old clothes and go on a shopping spree to build the image of the person you are (or want to be) inside. (What's he going to do - complain about the money? Fk him.). Make it dramatic. Go over the top. This is not a challenge, KM, it's a requirement. You have nothing to lose, so do it. With that done, make a lunch date with some old friends. Don't bother telling them what's going on with you, just plan to have fun and find out what they've been up to. Go dancing. Remember something you used to love to do, and then find a club to join that does it. That will start building a new circle of friends for you and get you out of the house. I know a lot of this might feel trite or that you just have the motivation to do it, but you NEED to. Find the strength to do it.
Next, start a journal (or use the one you have) to write out all that you're feeling. Do it here if you have to. It's a way for you to vent all your questions and frustrations safely - trust me, it works wonders.
Get a lawyer and figure out how to protect yourself and your assets. He left - he doesn't get anything. That was his choice, he's a grown up and will have to deal with the consequences. Take advantage of his guilt and regret and take all you can, and get it in writing! You'll need it later, it's the right thing to do, and the feeling of power and control will do more to move you forward than any of us can describe. You may not have to go through with the divorce, but BE PREPARED. And do it quickly.
Go to some classes on co-parenting and dealing with a divorce. They're usually offered on weekends at local colleges or high schools, and you'll find some people who really know what you're going through.
Stay calm and professional around your husband. No fighting! No snide comments, no reactions (he'll needle you for something - don't take the bait!), do not engage him on an emotional level. Be courteous, even kind, but do not let him know how your doing, what your doing, or what to do next. Let him feel what it's like to not know what the hell is going on. Smile.
And last - what you're feeling is classic post traumatic stress. It's chemical as much as emotional, so you'll just have to roll with it - it takes a few weeks to start calming down. Don't beat yourself up over it, we all go through it and it is tough, but it's not your fault. Your hormones are wreaking havoc, so when you feel down just let yourself feel down and understand that it will pass. And it will come back, and that will pass too. We call it the emotional roller coaster - you have to ride it, it's scary and confusing, but it will pass. Working out will help you get off the emotional crazy-train, so start working out (a lot) today. Running is excellent to combat the PTSD (they call it the runners high, but it might take a week or two to get there if you're not a runner), but any exercise will do it. Just do it - morning and night if you can, but at least a full hour of moderate to intense activity. Don't forget to eat (take supplements and energy bars if you have to, but you need fuel - for the exercise and to stabilize your chemistry).
Hang in there - you're going to be OK. We can help, so come talk to us when you need to.
I just want to say thank you for your insight. You offered me some answers that I was looking for.I am doing better, but I am still so sad that this has happen, even though I realize that it is for the best. He has wanted or ask to come home yet, but he has asked if we could be friends. I t was hard today when he called and called her place a home. I don't know it is like he has turned into someone i never knew, It is like he is on some kind of drug or something. He is normally not so destructive, but i see him doing things that are completely out his norm.I know it is not my problem, but I am concerned b/c unfornately i still care for him.I just wish that he would have realized what he was doing. You could not possible love someone and do all these things to them and I guess that is the thing that I am having a hard time dealing with.
Posted by: kmchhouston Mar 6 2010, 11:53 PM
March 6, 2010
It keeps getting better, not only did he fess up to the fact that he has lied to me about the length of time that he has been involved with his new love, but I found out today that he is having a baby with her. Yeah, I am unsure my feeling right now. I feel really no pain. Maybe cause I have finally after begging, yeah I know pretty sad for him to reconsider things with us, that he is a lying piece of crap that does not deserve me. I deserve a real man,someone that is faitful and honest and will put his children first. What was I crying about him leaiving me for, I should have been praising God. I don't know I am just in disbelief that I was not smarter, maybe I knew all the time he was the way he is and just accepted it, so I could have my home and have the opportunity to stay home with my children. Well, all pf that has to change, but I will find happiness again one day within myself.
Posted by: SusieHJ Mar 10 2010, 08:44 PM
You so deserve better. You must be devastated, but it also sounds like you are a smart lady and have made strong clear decisions and put some excellent boundaries in place. The pain is so raw when you first find out, you think and feel all sorts of things; some rational, some not.
Grief is a cycle, and you are grieving. Allow yourself that space and time to go through that process. You have lost, but you've also lost what you thought you had (and didn't actually have at all...because of his lies, your reality at home was a lie..for him..not for you).
I have experienced my H lying and constantly changing his lies about his affair. In the end, I figured out I was ruminating on his every word, obsessing, and was getting pulled into continuing to keep him as the centre of attention. I decided NO one day. Enough. Enough obsessing, and certainly enough with regards to him having my attention. What was I really gaining, apart from more pain, by hoping I'd get the truth one day? I have no idea how I thought I would recognise the truth...he was so convincing.
It's so painful I know, and life is full of uncertainty with loads of changes for you. Lets hope that some of those changes will bring amazing new experiences and friends into your life.
Susie
Powered by Invision Power Board (http://www.invisionboard.com)
© Invision Power Services (http://www.invisionpower.com)