First post and a brand new denizon of this forum, after reading some I think I may find some information here and perhaps some peace no matter the outcome of my problems.

I discovered my wifes plan to meet with someone accidentally one day about 2 months ago. It blindsided me.. My interest caught fire and I have lived and breathed it, perhaps to a fault, for a couple of months now.

Much water has gone over the dam in 2 months. That particular person is probably behind us. After trying to reason with her for a couple of weeks the date of their tryst was approaching and she was still forthrightly insisting, lying, that it was all fantasy and I shouldn't have read her email. With time running out I contacted the man personally and explained who I was and what I wanted. It appears he is married (and he told her that) while she had told him she was single. He has apparently shown the minimum good judgement to not to want to deal with an angry husband or with his own wife in the aftermath because he has backed away.

The problem now is she continues to troll the internet (porn type website LPSG specifically) and maintains mutual autoerotic contact (webcam, IM. email, phone etc) with several men from that site. I find it disgusting and perhaps even worse her lies just inflame my sensibilities.

We have been married quite a long time, we are, to say the least adults. My intellect and my emotions have been battling for control but I really don't know how to deal with her and whether I can talk her off this ledge. I have taken the position that one time infidelity (the old fashioned in person kind that is) is the last time and that I would divorce her, no other outcome possible.

Of course I see many threads and posts here where infidelity has been forgiven, certainly not forgotten I am sure, but those are all instances where it was discovered after the fact. In this instance, knowing the outcome in advance, it is my opinion she will have weighed her options and made a choice. I am correct about that position?

Certainly we have lots of history, lots of problems, and neither of us are particulary easy to get along with.

Do you have any advice for me? I don't want a divorce and I can't live with infidelity. I want my wife back.

Your advice is wanted and appreciated. Thank you.

Did you try counseling? May or may not work. Is it a "midlife" crisis? I am not sure but I have heard people talk about them. I would try and sit down and talk with her about how you both feel. Is she aware of how you feel? Does she react differently with you now?

great the internet gets another one. IMHO, if she can't or won't end this destructive behavior you must hold your ground. I was unknowingly in your shoes once (this is where my ex started). It will only get worse. Try getting help from someone like a therapist, if she won't go then you must make the best choice for yourself preservation. That may mean you leave her for awhile or get a divorce.....I'm really sorry she has caused you to seek out our little corner of the web, but I know that there are many here that will support you....Take care of yourself

Unfortunately, I don't see anything positive coming from your wife that would lead you to believe this marriage is salvageable. She's really telling you all you need to know by her refusal in the face of being caught red handed that she's not sorry, that she's going to continue her wayward ways, and that you can lump it.

I see your position that her decision to meet the man was tantamount to actual physical infidelity, but I have a wee problem with the logic. The meeting did not take place, even if it was the man who backed out after your notification of your presence in life. Her wishing it and planning it was bad enough, but it did not, in fact, actually happen.

Are you up to an ultimatum? Counseling, absolutely no web surfing on such sites, absolutely no online interaction with men - or the marriage ends? One thing you most certainly should do is, unbeknownst to her, install a key logger on her computer. You clearly cannot at this point rely on her honesty with you.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. It's not fun. I don't agree - though I could be wrong - that most people forgive affairs. Some women stay on if the husband shows remorse and mends his ways, especially if there are children involved. But many do not. There are so many individual factors at play in these life messes that it's hard to generalize.

In the end, you have to do what you determine is the best thing for you.

Stop and think hard about your decision. This is your marriage. Any children?

I caution you because I had an affair. While in it, I would not listen either. After a period of time, I came to my senses. I changed.

I would suggest you find some things to make you happy and do some things for yourself in the meantime. Take some time to be clear before you make a big decision.

In my opinion, divorce would be the last option.

And how long do you suggest a BS put up with the cheating and the fog before they should file for divorce? ?You do know that cheating is a deal breaker for a lot of people right?

I hate to be the one to say it, but she may have done this before. You were probably already thinking this. After my husband's affair with his old high school/college girlfriend, I asked him how many others there had been, He was deeply offended by the question, but I felt it was a reasonable question.