My-Story

My previous job was a fairly demanding IT position. We had our second child and my wife was a good S.A.H.M. to both kids but her lax attitude towards housekeeping would irritate me. She didn’t like my long hours and travel, and we didn’t talk like we did pre-children, pre-professional job. About three years ago she discovered social networking sites and had what I guess was a female midlife crisis. She lost weight, attempted to start a business, and devoted tons of time on what I thought were platonic online friendships. Many of them were, I suppose, but there was more. Last year I discovered her writings in the form of letters and started snooping. I figured out that she was involved with an older retired lawyer, a "psychic" who was also web designer for her business, a conservative gun nut/alcoholic (surprising if you know her) and several others. I also feel that when you add in “emotional” affairs where she was confiding in men (whether surrogates I suppose for her emotionally absent father, who died two years ago, spiritual mentor types, artistic soul mates, or good time sporty party dudes) there were about a dozen violations. Fortunately, there were only two brief physical encounters – one of them was with a female family friend, a single mom, although that was a drunken fling, and in the context of my wife’s overall behavior during that time, I’m willing to forgive. However, I'm not 100% sure about some details about my wife’s infidelity period because I only got her to admit to what was in her substantial paper trail when I confronted her. We went through a lot of the usual stuff – there was suspicion and arguments pre-discovery, she had a relapse, I warned the guy off, she had withdrawal from all the great folks on the ‘net, she felt violated by my snooping…however we did agree that we wanted to save the marriage and things are getting better, bit by bit. As far as confronting her, the possibility of exposure jolted her into clarity. I told my family about it, and I think the idea that our friends, her family (i.e., our kid’s grandmother, aunt, uncle, etc) would know brought out some good old-fashioned shame. The idea of being a single parent is unappealing to most people, and we both realized we had a good relationship and shared history and shared interests. I’m still dealing with the emotional fallout. I’m not a heavy drinker or smoker, but I definitely use those things to calm my nerves. I quit singing in church, and don’t go to church at all anymore for the time being. I have a lower-stress/lower-paying job, and I’m having trouble getting motivated to take on a more demanding one. Things that my wife was enthusiastic about during her fling bring on negative associations. It makes me angry to think of the times we had sex during her affair period…where she was obviously aroused thinking of the great guys who wouldn’t give her their true name, or who dumped her, or stabbed her in the back. It makes me angry to think of her friends who seemed to think cheating is No Big Deal, and covered up for her…she has ended her business in order to work steadily outside the home. We are learning more about ourselves and working through things, sharing responsibilities, communicating better. I love her. One day at a time. Progress, not perfection. My heart goes out to everyone who “just found out."

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