Getting Healthy

John Paul Catanzaro, B.Sc., C.K., P.F.L.C., is a certified kinesiologist and professional fitness and lifestyle consultant with a specialized honors Bachelor of Science degree in Kinesiology and Health Science. His website is www.BodyEssence.ca.

I've been married for 14 years. 8 years ago I learned that my wife was communicating with an ex-boyfriend via email. I confronted her and she admitted to having this emotional affair. I was devastated and became depressed. I was in counseling for a year, and decided it was time to get my life on track again. We stayed together, had two kids and things were great. Two years ago I found out I had contracted an STD mysteriously, even though I've been completely faithful. My wife concocted some story about how she 'may' have gotten it through nonsexual means. I was suspicious and started to look for any signs that something was going on. I noticed her behavior changed every time I walked near her work computer. I learned her password and can check her emails and her cell phone. Sure enough, I found a long trail of an emotional affair with a co-worker in another city. My wife travels on business quite a lot, for a week at a time, and this guy is often there too. They are together right now at a conference and it's killing me. It's all I can think about, and that when she gets back I may find even more details about their relationship and if it moved to the next level or not. The first emotional affair left me very weak. I cried a lot and was on medication. I was ashamed of myself for not being stronger. I told myself I would never react that way again. Unfortunately, with this affair, my reaction is not much better, except this time I went the other way and started an affair of my own. I met a woman who is recently divorced and we began a sexual relationship. While that part is fun and exciting, I realize I'm only doing it to get back at my wife. It's only added to my confusion and anxiety. I'm angry with myself for doing something I promised I would never do. I offer three pieces of advice. First, try to get someone you can trust that you can talk to. I have a friend and he's listened to a lot of my problems. He doesn't let me over react, and helps me keep everything in perspective. Second, at all costs, avoid lowering yourself and having an affair as retaliation. As good as it feels during sex, you'll feel much worse about yourself afterward. It's just not worth it. Finally, try not to judge the reaction of the person you've cheated on. There's no way to tell how a betrayed person will react. When you've been cheated on, you're not thinking rationally, and I haven't been myself. Everything in my world is upside down and I'm not myself anymore. I'm still waiting to confront my wife about this affair. Still not sure how it will end, what will happen with our kids, or if we'll still be together. It's a rough time. Very destructive to all involved.

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