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Question: Last weekend was 33 years that we have been married. WE are, I am, four years past discovery day. I want to ask of you, did you ever feel just apathetic? Anne, what was the silver bullet, that slay your mental demons due to the affair? Do you at this stage get those sudden moments as if a snake was in your gut as you look at your husband and visualize him with the other woman? Frequently when I suspect my Husband may be reflecting on the affair, not the ugliness we want to see, but rather thinking of the details of the good time, I feel robbed. You know when people describe something as priceless? Well Anne, even many of those priceless moments are now, not remembered as having value. How could someone so devoted to his wife and family have an affair?*(he says it was his ability to compartmentalize!) I’m feeling so disillusioned, fearing I may never feel the passion and security of being married to someone I am proud of. I hate feeling so disturbed.

Answer: I can’t say I ever felt apathetic. I felt like a warrior. I saw myself as in the middle of a war fighting for my life and my happiness. I felt as if a great evil were trying to take over my life forever, plaguing it forever with unhappiness and apathy towards life in general as you mention.

I didn’t want to become one of those negative, bitter old ladies that no one wants to be around. I had to find a way to get my joy back, and if I didn’t I was going to die fighting, but I refused to settle for just getting by, unhappiness or a mediocre marriage (I would leave the marriage rather than be unhappy or just so-so.)

Part of this attitude comes from my familiarity with a certain Bible verse, “I know you well – you are neither hot nor cold; I wish you were one or the other! But since you are merely lukewarm, I will spit you out of my mouth!" What this saying is “take a stand, love me or hate me, but don’t sit on the fence. The worst thing you can feel towards me is indifference: I don’t really like you, I don’t really dislike you, there’s nothing special about you, but there’s nothing bad about you either, you’re just kind of so-so.”