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In our work with relationship issues, we have noticed something striking: those people who we guided to include forgiveness of self and other in their process made the deepest and most complete resolutions of their issues. In thinking of these sessions and others with couples dealing with hurt, betrayal and dishonesty, we were struck by the incredible healing power of forgiveness. Forgiveness is a remarkable process that simultaneously engages the spiritual, emotional, psychological, mental and physical levels of being. All of the world’s religions acknowledge forgiveness as one of the highest expressions of humanity. For example, Pastor John MacArthur says, "Forgiveness unleashes joy. It brings peace. It washes the slate clean. It sets all the highest values of love in motion." The Hindu Mahabharata says "Forgiveness is Brahma; forgiveness is holiness; and by forgiveness is it that the universe is held together. Forgiveness is the highest virtue."

The study of forgiveness has recently attracted great attention in the scientific community as well. The Stanford Forgiveness Project focuses on training forgiveness as a way to ameliorate the anger and distress involved in feeling hurt. The idea emerged from several studies clearly showing the harmful effects of unmanaged anger and hostility on cardiovascular health as well as on interpersonal relationships. For example, one study at Harvard School of Public Health found that men who scored highest on an anger scale were three times more likely to develop heart disease over a seven year period than low scorers.

But while everything acknowledges that forgiveness is a wonderful concept, very few people know how to practice it effectively. If you look inside and realize that you are harboring one or more resentments that cause bitterness in your heart, and would like to initiate a process of forgiveness, here are some tips on how to proceed. You may have to repeat this process several times, if it turns out you were not ready to fully release your hurt, and if you are still too consumed by anger.

1. Understand that forgiving does not mean forgetting, or giving permission for the behavior to be repeated. It does not mean saying that what was done was acceptable. Forgiveness is often needed for behaviors that were not acceptable and that you should not allow to be repeated.

2. Recognize that YOU are the only one who is being hurt by your non-forgiveness. You feel the anger, the tightness in your stomach. You are the one rehearsing in your mind what you would like to say or do to 'punish' them. When there is no forgiveness, the bitterness lingers -- and when you could be enjoying today's pleasures, you are upsetting yourself with yesterday's injustices. You give control of your emotions to the person who hurt you. It’s been said that the best revenge is your own calmness.

3. Make a list of what specific actions you need to forgive. What was actually done that caused your pain?