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One of the perplexing parts of dating is that your partner will sometimes reveal markedly different parts of themselves at different times during a relationship. One day you may be delighted by your partner’s charm and thoughtfulness yet the next day be devastated by their stubbornness, rigidity and inappropriate expressions of feelings. How and why does this happen? And what can conscious singles do to keep themselves emotionally safe from hurtful surprises as they traverse the stages of developing relationships?

All of us possess many different sub-personalities. Among the most common of these are three distinct selves or sub-parts of our personalities that explain the often contradictory behavior that occurs as a new relationship develops. We all need each of these parts to survive and thrive in the world, and each of these parts can express themselves in a healthy or unhealthy way. Let’s discuss each of these parts and how they interact.

The first part is the Rational, Practical Persona. This is the part that presents an appropriate mask to the world and is concerned with maintaining a certain image or status. This part thinks logically and analytically about life and relationships. It’s intelligent, thoughtful, linear, methodical, functional, practical and goal-directed. The Rational, Practical Persona never acts impulsively or irrationally.

The second part is the Alive, Loving Self. This is the part of you that feels totally alive, present and spontaneous, that genuinely wants a deep, intimate connection with others. The Alive, Loving Self is willing and able to take risks, is playful, fun-loving and bursting with energy and feelings. This part is never concerned about whether something makes ‘sense’ or is practical, and is very expansive, imaginative and visionary.

The third part is the Wounded, Fearful Self. This is the part of you which has experienced the inevitable emotional wounds, hurts and disappointments of growing up. These wounds may be mild, moderate or severe, and is the repository of inadequacies, frailties, vulnerabilities and shame. This part is limited in its capacity for growth and change without outside help, because it has developed a variety of strategies, shields and compensatory mechanisms to keep itself safe to avoid further wounding. The Wounded, Fearful Self functions as your ‘emotional thermostat’ which strives to keep your emotional life stable, similar, and familiar. In fact, it continually strives to re-create or maintain whatever emotional experiences you may have had in the past, whether they were loving, chaotic, distant or hurtful.