Desperate Feelings
Peggy Vaughan, the founder of DearPeggy.com and the Beyond Affairs Network, is a noted leader in the field of infidelity recovery. Her books include “The Monogamy Myth,” “Recovering From Affairs,” and “Beyond Affairs,” among others.
"Thinking" of it suicide (in a moment of despair) is one thing; actually acting on the impulse is quite another matter. Any suicide attempt is SERIOUS—and needs to be treated that way. This means seeking immediate (and ongoing) professional help.
My website is NOT a resource for the kind of help that is needed. However, I CAN usefully discuss the "thoughts of suicide" that are so common to those who are struggling with a partner's affair—including me. I'm not a therapist and certainly am not qualified to "help" anyone in a personal way, but I thought I'd share some of my perspective in case it might be helpful.
First of all, anyone in this position can be assured you're not alone and that as bad as it feels, it WILL get better. Of course, it won't just magically get better all by itself without your making the effort. It's a process of gradually getting more and more understanding about the whole issue of affairs in order to fight the intense emotional reaction to this experience. You will continue to have painful feelings, but you will need to deliberately focus on trying to think straight and gain more control of your thoughts. Gradually, your rational understanding of affairs will help diminish the emotions. At some point you'll finally have control of your emotions instead of them having control over you. So it helps to read everything possible in order to fill yourself with information, understanding and perspective in order to battle your emotions.
I do know and understand these feelings all too well. When I first just "suspected" my husband's affairs, I felt desperate and contemplated suicide. Here's a quote from Beyond Affairs, describing one night back in 1966:
"I'd never felt such total rejection. I started crying...as I lay there, my fear turned to panic. I felt alone and helpless. All this seemed like a nightmare. I'd made James my whole life, and now he seemed to be rejecting me. I'd cried so much my head was bursting. I went to the bathroom to get some aspirin—and wished desperately that I had some sleeping pills. I wanted to die. I made it through the night, but I was shaken by the intensity of my emotions. It shocked me to realize I hadn't even considered my children or what might happen to them. In the light of day I tried to make sense of my feelings." (At this point, our children were 2 and 4 years old.)
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