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Stay Alert

Don’t let a single day pass without being keenly aware of everything your husband says or does. The signs that are evident one day may be undetectable the next. Be alert to anything that appears to be a departure from his norm.

Some women make a point of actively searching for telltale signs. Others feel so strongly about invasion of privacy that they only take note of readily visible telltale signs. To them, certain boundaries are not to be crossed, even for a worthy cause. If you feel uneasy about spying on your husband, do what feels comfortable to you. It helps to think of it as information gathering rather than spying. Bear in mind that sometimes the end justifies the means. The more diligently you look, the more telltale signs you’re likely to find. Some women observe telltale signs but fail to recognize them for what they are. They make no connection between what they see and what’s going on behind their back. There’s very little you’ll miss if you constantly refer to the categories in this book.

Write Down What You Find

Document everything! Keep accurate records of what you find. Don’t try to rely on your memory. Record your findings in a journal and keep it under lock and key. Log in the dates, times and places that suspicious incidents occur. (phone calls, absences, meetings, excuses or alibis given, names dropped, etc.) If you have everything down in black-and-white, you can analyze what you’ve found to see if there are patterns to his behavior. Does he have to go to the store for cigarettes or a beer around 8:30 every Thursday night? Do anonymous phone calls only arrive a half hour before or after he leaves for his weekly night out with the guys? Does he walk the dog an unusually long time the first and third Sunday of each month? Does he put on cologne to go work out at the gym? Does he wear his best suit or one of his favorite shirts only on days he calls home to say he has to work late? Patterns like these will only be evident if you carefully document the things you find.

Exercise Caution

When you find tangible, physical evidence, pay close attention to exactly where and how it was found. Be careful to put things back exactly as they were to keep from arousing his suspicion. When possible, make photocopies or take photos of love notes, phone numbers, e-mails, letters, incriminating receipts and similar items you happen to come across. Store your “evidence journal” in a safe place. You’ll need it when you sit down and tell your husband you know about his affair.

As you go about conducting your investigation, be discreet. Keep your eyes and ears open and your mouth shut. Maintain your secrecy; be careful not to tip your hand. Don’t let your husband know that you suspect anything at all. Live your life as normally as you while checking your husband out. Treat him the same way you did before you began to have doubts. Otherwise, he may become suspicious. Once he gets wind that you’re “on to him”, he may start hiding evidence or attempt to cover his tracks. As long as he doesn’t know that you’re suspicious, it will be easier to find out what’s going on.