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The "common wisdom" among most people is that if an affair is over and won't happen again, that you shouldn't tell your spouse. In fact, many counselors also share this view. But most people are only considering the obvious problems with telling—failing to also recognize the problems in NOT telling.

There is no short answer to this question. (Frankly, it's not a simple matter of "to tell or not to tell." It's more a case of "when, why and how" to tell.) Since I addressed this issue in some length in my book, The Monogamy Myth, I'm including an excerpt below:

The advice most people offer to a person considering telling their spouse about their affair is, "Don't." Surprisingly, this attitude of secrecy is reinforced by the standard advice from marriage counselors, therapists, and advice columnists. Many of them are adamant in their belief that a person shouldn't tell their partner about an affair...

The caution against the risk of telling about an affair ignores the fact that there's also a risk if it's not disclosed. In marriages where affairs are kept secret, certain topics of discussion are avoided because the deceiving partner fears being discovered and the other is reluctant to appear suspicious. This causes many relationships to be dominated by dishonesty and deception. It's doubtful that a couple can keep something like this hidden for the rest of their lives without a terrible strain developing. A large part of the high divorce rate may be due to the alienation caused by the dishonesty inherent in affairs, even if the affairs are never confronted.

So while some relationships come apart from not being ready to deal with the truth, many more relationships come apart because of the effort to keep an affair hidden. And even if the marriage doesn't end in divorce, it's likely to become empty and meaningless because of so much secrecy. It may be that there is no escape from the pain, regardless of whether the affairs are kept hidden or exposed. Often it's just a matter of time before either the marriage became a pretense or the truth comes out, along with the pain it brings.

This is not meant to diminish the pain of finding out. But one of the advantages of volunteering the information about an affair instead of waiting until it's unexpectedly discovered is that it allows a degree of preparation that can significantly reduce the pain of finding out. The person doing the telling has a responsibility to take steps to increase the likelihood that the disclosure will lead to building a closer relationship rather than tearing it apart.