You Suspect They’re Cheating and They Won't Confess
Anne Bercht, the director of the Beyond Affairs Network, is co-founder, along with her husband Brian, of www.passionatelife.ca, a website dedicated to creating a healthy, passionate marriage.
Question: What about the husband who will not admit it to his wife. It drives her nuts. There have been too many clues and when she confronts him, he always denies it. It would be much easier to handle and deal with and it would help her to stop doubting her own sanity! What do you do when the husband will not admit it and continues in his ways?
Answer: There is no doubt that this is a terrible place to be, wondering if there is an affair or not, feeling like you are losing your mind, and in this situation a final confession from the cheating spouse would bring more relief than anything. However, you cannot control the actions of your spouse, only your own. You cannot “make” your spouse confess if they do not choose it. You can create an atmosphere most conducive to an honest confession, but there is no formula to guarantee a confession 100% of the time.
No matter what difficulties we face in our relationships with others, we must realize that we cannot change the other person, but we can change ourselves.
Most likely if you have strong suspicions, and there are many clues, you are right, an affair is indeed taking place. One thing I’ve heard repeatedly from affair survivors is they learn to trust their intuition, their gut instincts, that still small voice inside that is telling us what is true in our lives, even when we don’t really want to face that truth. Knowing is much better than living with uncertainty and suspicions. Many affair survivors have described it this way, “there was something wrong, something not quite right, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.”
If you suspect an affair, the best approach is a direct and honest confrontation. Don’t hint around the issue, but come right out and say, “Are you having an affair?”
However, just because you directly confront them, if the unfaithful person is not ready to confess they may still lie out right, deny the truth, and even become angry with you for asking. If the anger is overpowering, and they also begin to blame and criticize you, it is an added indication that your suspicions about the affair are correct. If a person is not having an affair and is asked this question, they would most likely be surprised and ask why you suspect this.
Sometimes we have to face the fact that the unfaithful person may never choose to be truthful. In a number of situations, I’ve supported people who caught their spouse red handed in bed with the affair partner and the unfaithful person still didn’t confess, but tried to convince the faithful spouse that they were merely seeing things!!
Sad as it is, one can often have a good laugh at the expense of those having affairs, because the actions, lies and logic they come up with are so ridiculous. Thus the article I wrote, are unfaithful spouses mentally impaired?
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