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Letter writing can be an effective way to communicate how you feel to your spouse. Because we usually choose to speak, this may feel awkward, however, allowing the pen to flow, words will usually come to us easily during private, quiet, uninterrupted moments I suggested that Eileen and Matt think about this letter writing exercise as a result of reaching a communication impasse.. Both in their forties, their last child recently left home for college. An older child has lived away for two years.

Eileen writes:

Dear Matt:

After thinking about this for a long time and have decided to leave home for a while. I am not keeping anything from you. I don’t know where I am going, if I’m returning or any other information right now. Here are the things that I do know.

I am very tired of trying and feeling like I am trying much harder than you are in this marriage. I know that Denise has told us time and again that I must ask for the things that I want and need in this relationship, but I just don’t want to do that any more. When it’s my birthday, I don’t want to tell you that I want that special necklace I saw. When my back hurts, I don’t want to ask for a back rub. When there are dishes in the sink, I don’t want to ask “for a favor” by having you washing them. When it’s our anniversary, I don’t want to have to remind you. I could go on, but frankly, as I said before, I’m tired and “what’s the use?”

I don’t know that there is anyone out there that could satisfy all of my neediness. Perhaps I am living in a fairytale. Yes, I’ve heard all that has been said in therapy, but I don’t really care. I would rather be by myself, do for myself and be alone. I think it’s more lonely being with someone who just isn’t aware of me or tuned into me than to be by myself. With both of our kids being out of the house now, I see no need to try so hard to keep it together anymore. Quite honestly, I can’t.

It’s sad that it has come to this. I always believed that if I tried hard, talked to you enough, explained, using just the right words…some how and some day you would “get it”. I tried to do all of those things that I expected from you for you. For instance, the surprise parties I had because I knew you loved surprise parties, the vacation to Las Vegas I planned for us, the piano lessons I got for your 40^th birthday, the book and lotions I bought for foot massages. I enjoyed doing those things for you, but I didn’t enjoy feeling neglected and taken for granted by you at all. I can’t let it go on. I’m miserable, so for now…

Eileen

Matt writes:

Dear Eileen,

I don’t even know where the hell to send this letter or if you will ever read it. What in the world are you thinking of? I might not be tuned in, but I’m sure this is an empty nest thing going on and you need to come home so we can figure this out.

First, let me say that I’m sorry you feel that you have tried much harder than I have in this marriage. I wish that you had been telling me all along what’s been pissing you off. Sure, I’ve overheard you talking to your friends on the telephone complaining. “He’s such a jerk,” and then you go ahead and tell a very personal story. Then you continue for an hour, when we could have had that hour together. I go and watch my baseball game and then when you finally get off the phone, you complain that all I do is watch stupid baseball.

Then there are all of your rules, as if the house belonged exclusively to you. How come the beds have to be made, the dishes washed, dried and put away and newspapers put in the pile before we leave the house in the morning? I am not permitted to enjoy a cigar while watching baseball games, must take my sneakers off at the door before walking on our white carpet and may never use “guest towels”. Eileen, you can be a “Royal Pain”, but I let it go because of all of the other times.

So, when Kerri left for college in September, why didn’t you ask me how I was doing? If you had, I probably would have told you AT LEAST, AT FIRST, that I did not need to process things to death the way that you do. However, after 24 years of being together, what you need to know is that I am not the cold, non-feeling human being you make me out to be. I might have eventually told you that each night for a month before she left, I walked by her room in the morning and watched her sleep. I remembered where her crib was in that same room so many years earlier and wondered where in the world all the years had gone. I saw her running shoes where her first little white shoes were and the space on her bed where I would sit reading her fairy tales.

You are not aware of everything, O.K.? We both take responsibility for that. If you don’t ask, I won’t tell. That’s just the way is. I miss you and you’re not here. I walk through this house and I see you clipping coupons, I feel your presence when I eat, sleep and breathe. I need to know, if nothing more, that you are safe. I lied… I want you to come home and talk to me. I want to listen and I want to talk too. I want to be more responsive and for you to feel loved and given to in the ways that you need. I want us to feel that we are only complete when we are together.

Love,