What Would It Take To Say, “This is The End!”
Denise Silverstein, LCSW is a psychotherapist with over l5 years experience in individual, marital and family therapy. She does public speaking on relationships, child rearing and trauma, and has a private practice in Morganville, NJ.
Who amongst us has not said, “I cannot take this any more…Living alone could not be as bad as putting up with this”? But have you stopped to think what it would take to say, “this is the end, I’m filing for divorce and plan to proceed in my future without my present spouse”? In her book, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, Mira Kirshenbaum, makes some excellent points. She states that it is important for individuals to know what their personal limits are. Another words, to know what your personal bottom line is. Kirshenbaum states that this is not easy because your bottom line is something you have to discover. It is NOT like you wake up one morning and decide that if your partner does that then it’s all over. Instead, it is experience with the things that happen to you and the ways you react to them that teach you that when someone does that, things are, in fact, over for you. She also states that whatever your bottom line is, you must be prepared to act.
Here’s your chance to do some soul searching. Kirshenbaum outlines three key questions to ask yourself:
-If my partner did:
a)____________________________________________
b)______________________________________________
c)______________________________________________
then I ‘d feel I’d have to leave the relationship.
-If my partner didn’t do:
a)______________________________________________
b)______________________________________________
c)_______________________________________________
then I’d feel I’d have to leave the relationship.
-If these things were true about my partner:
a)______________________________________________
b)______________________________________________
c)_______________________________________________
then I’d feel I’d have to leave the relationship
Now if your partner knew that there was a problem and was willing to change, but you didn’t know that he was capable of change, you have to decide if the possibility of that problem staying the way it is, is a deal breaker for you or not. Is the possibility of change hopeful? Can you live and be happy with possibilities when realities that might not change go below your bottom line?
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