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If I could identify the single most important quality in relationships, it would be the ability for an individual to put oneself into another persons position and truly see, taste, smell and feel what another person’s experience actually is. It is important for both partners to possess this capacity.

So often it is communication that is named the single most important component in a relationship. I agree with this. However, an integral part of communication still comes down to empathy. As a psychotherapist, it is simpler to see this as I sit in my neutral, righteous chair and have the privilege of observing and witnessing couples seated opposite me, locked, trapped and ready to strangle their beloved partner in life. Often, the dialogue will resemble the following:

Wife: I have ALL of the responsibility…the kids, their schedules, meals, parent-teacher conferences, breaking up their fights…and you just do your job…you come home and want dinner, quiet and time to settle down and relax from your long, hard day…

Husband: You make it seem like I am on perpetual vacation. You think it’s easy dealing with the pressures of producing so that I can provide all these things and a good life for you and the kids?

Wife: I’d gladly trade places with you for just one week. Then you would see what it is really like to be me.

Husband: I’m going to watch the game upstairs…good night!

What is happening here is what I call the “Attack – Defend” conflict. Both partners are now stuck. The wife began her attack with communicating her feelings by accusing her husband of having NONE of the home responsibilities by stating that she has ALL of them. It is clear that she is feeling overwhelmed, but instead of saying so, she becomes accusatory and therefore, her husband defends himself. He does so by stating his own case and telling her all the things he does solely for her and the family without any validation of what she is attempting to communicate, which may be feelings including anger, frustration, being overwhelmed, lonely, etc.

What do you think might have happened had the husband responded by saying, “It sounds like you are overwhelmed and I’m wondering how we can work this out together. What do you think would help? Or “I sometimes get so caught up in my own work world that I don’t even see how much you do. I really value you and hate to see you feeling so overwhelmed”. These would be empathic responses which would then most likely open the lines of productive communication.