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Question #1: My husband had an affair with a work colleague. He has chosen to stay with me and our children. He still sees her and talks to her about work - even on her cell phone, he doesn't hide it from me - how do I get him to understand that this must stop if we are to move forward? It hurts so much.

Broken hearted!!!

Dear Broken Hearted,

Your marriage cannot even begin to heal while your husband is still in touch with the other woman. Getting him to break all ties with the 3rd party is tricky business. It has to be done in the right way and at the right time. I recommend you get as much perspective as you can first, and then you may need to deliver your husband with an ultimatum letter.

My husband also thought he was going to be "just friends" with the other woman. I believe if I had not in the right way insisted that it be one way or the other, that we would be divorced today.

The first thing you need to do is read My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me, because it will give you tremendous perspective and you'll see how I successfully delivered this ultimatum to my husband.

I also recommend reading James Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough." It is a Christian book, so be ready for that, but it's the best I've ever seen on addressing this issue of getting your spouse to break ties with the 3rd party, and it was reading Dobson's book that helped me to do so successfully in my own marriage.

Last I recommend reading "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. The title says it all. Shirley Glass is among the most respected and knowledgeable experts on affairs. Her book is a classic as far as dealing with all the issues related to healing, and you need as much perspective as you can in order to do the right thing for you and your marriage.

What you do now is critical to your future. You can't just get mad at him and tell him you won't tolerate this anymore. You really need to know what you're doing.

You may also want to set up a 1 hour coaching session with me at some point, just so we can discuss the details and make sure you get this done in the right way and at the right time. Your future depends on it.

Question #2: Thank you - I have read your book and I did get mad at him about this - it didn't work. I will check out the other two books you recommend. Boy this is hard work. Thanks for being so open and honest with your story.

Answer:

It is hard work, and it is hard to think straight when you’re in such a state of emotional trauma. You are very wise to seek support.

Many people read my book twice to really soak in all the truths that are there in our story. When it comes to getting your spouse to break all ties with the 3rd party, getting mad doesn’t work, and getting mad is not what I did. I did not get mad; rather I rationally, calmly and thoughtfully drew a line.