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Question:

“My husband and I are idling in neutral right now. He is going to a counselor solo to decide if he wants to work on the marriage. I feel a bit helpless at this point. There really is nothing I can do. I have told him how I feel.

“I am trying to focus on me, despite the tearing apart feeling I have inside. The emotional rollercoaster has been overwhelming. Do you have any advice for me in the interim? I am doing a lot of reading, and trying to physically take care of myself (although I am starting to feel the lack of sleep take its toll on me).”

Answer:

I want to commend you because you are doing very well. You have a very healthy perspective and have done/are doing the right things from what your email describes. You have handled your husband exactly right.

The most important thing to do is focus on your own personal growth. That way either way you come out a winner. If your husband decides to leave the marriage, you will be as well prepared as possible to move on with life alone. If your husband chooses to work on the marriage, the stronger healthier you (emotionally, mentally and spiritually – not just physically) will be all the more attractive to him, and you will have done your part to be the woman you need to be to contribute to a healthy marriage relationship.

Here are the things I recommend (some of which you are already doing):

1.Take care of your health. Eat properly, exercise, and get proper rest. Hiring a fitness trainer can be very beneficial. Mine helps me with nutrition and an exercise program specialized to meet my needs. Perhaps talk to your doctor or a naturopath about help with the sleep part.

2. Read books and educate yourself about affairs. The more perspective you have the better off you will be. Understanding will help you to heal and make the best possible decisions for yourself in this critical time.

3. Journaling is a great idea and can be very therapeutic in the journey of healing from betrayal.

4. Join a Beyond Affairs Network Support Group http://www.dearpeggy.com/lbc.html. These infidelity support groups provide invaluable help for getting over affairs. If there is not group in your city, consider becoming the coordinator for your area. It’s amazing how healing it can be to share your story with others who truly do understand, and as you pool helpful resources with others, you will learn much faster and avoid mistakes.

5. Develop a positive network of friends and/or family you can trust. Not everyone is safe to share with so use discretion here, but it is not good to suffer your pain in isolation.

6. Work on developing yourself in your chosen field of work (or find out what that should be in the first place). Set goals for yourself. What do YOU want out of your life? You can also develop yourself in interests outside your vocation or in a charitable work. As you find fulfillment within yourself you will be better equipped to be an ideal partner.