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Question #1 - I found out that my husband continued his affair. I phoned the other woman. She was relieved to speak to me. Not only do unfaithful spouses manipulate the wife they manipulate the other woman too. She says she has never had feelings like that for anyone ever. What do I do with that?

Why would he keep coming back to me she says if he has all this wonderful life at home?

Should I meet her face to face or not? She says she is sorry and wishes it had never happened and wishes never to go down that road again.

Question #2 - I am obsessed with the thought of phoning her (the other women) and tell her things about him that she does not know (I'm convinced he did not tell her) and will make her see him in a different way. Should I do it? What do I have to loose?”

Answers:

What do I do with the fact that the other woman has very real feelings for my husband?

This is a harsh reality that one must face. Certainly this is one of the reasons affairs are so wrong, as you rightly observe the other woman has also been manipulated and will also be hurt. This accentuates how selfish the unfaithful spouse’s actions have been. No matter what choices they make from here, people get hurt. Period.

If there is to be hope for rebuilding your marriage, your husband must sever all ties with this other woman. This will neither be easy on him or her, but obviously a continuing threesome is unacceptable, so he must make a choice. If his choice is you, you cannot be responsible for the other woman’s hurt feelings (and these are inevitable anyway – because if he pursues her, the chances of the relationship lasting are very slim). Since he’s already been unfaithful, she would find herself unable to trust him if she one day were married to him.

How you play your cards during this time of getting him to sever all ties with the other woman is very important. If you have a copy of my book, you’ll see how I successfully handled this on pages 190-193.

Also James Dobson’s book “Love Must Be Tough” has invaluable insight in how to deal with severing ties with the 3rd party effectively. It’s essential that it be done, and in the right way at the right time.

Why would he keep coming back to me she says if he has all this wonderful life at home?

My other woman said this to my husband also. The question is based on the commonly believed myth that affairs happen only as a result of problems in a marriage. That it is not possible for someone who is genuinely happy and in love with their spouse to have an affair. This is false. You can be in love with your spouse, have all your needs met perfectly and still be enticed by the flattery, seduction and smooth talk of another. Why is he there? Because it feels good to have an affair … for a brief period of time, like eating chocolate cake when you’re on a diet.