The Need to Know the Details
Anne Bercht, the director of the Beyond Affairs Network, is co-founder, along with her husband Brian, of www.passionatelife.ca, a website dedicated to creating a healthy, passionate marriage.
Question: How do I stop obsessing about the other woman? I am compelled to have all the sordid details. It hurts my husband so much so talk it over in detail, he just wants to let it go and never mention it again. He answers some of my questions and I feel guilty for pushing, but I have to know.
Answer: Recently I have had a number of betrayed spouses who express the need to know the details of their spouse’s affair, and ask if this is a right thing to want. Also last week on Oprah, there was a show which dealt with affairs and unfortunately the “expert” featured on the show gave an incorrect response, that you should not know the details of your spouse’s affair. Below are marital affairs expert Peggy Vaughan’s comments on the Oprah show.
By Peggy Vaughan
Author of "The Monogamy Myth" and Host of DearPeggy.com
“I have twice been a guest on Oprah discussing the subject of affairs – and I want to correct misinformation provided by the "expert" on today's show who said "details" of the affair should NOT be shared with the spouse. At the urging of John Gottman, I undertook research aimed at statistical verification of what I had been hearing for 20 years: that most people DO want to know details – and that getting answers to questions is essential to recovery and rebuilding.
“I conducted a survey of 1083 spouses of people who had had affairs.
In response to my question: Did you want to know details about the affair(s)?
--7% - No, I didn't want to know details
--31% - Yes, but I wanted only general information (who, when, why)
--62% - Yes, I wanted to know everything, including details
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