Gender Differences Between Men and Women
Anne Bercht, the director of the Beyond Affairs Network, is co-founder, along with her husband Brian, of www.passionatelife.ca, a website dedicated to creating a healthy, passionate marriage.
This article first appeared on http://www.beyondaffairs.com/
Question: Could you provide information or articles on how husbands dealt with the pain, recovery and healing after discovering their wife’s infidelity? Could you also provide statistical information on divorce or survived marriages in those grievous husbands?
Answer: Contrary to what many people guess, there is not actually a gender difference in the pain and devastation experienced by those who have been betrayed. It is no easier or less painful for a woman to deal with, than for a man. And regarding the steps to recovery, they are identical whether male or female. This is why it's hard to find articles defining the differences. There aren't any differences.
Studies done by marital affairs expert Peggy Vaughan (www.dearpeggy.com) and reports from therapists indicate that men and women stay married in equal numbers (in the 70% range) - regardless of whether it's the husband or wife who had an affair. The old stereotypes/assumptions that a man will more quickly get a divorce if his wife has an affair do not seem to be true.
The process for recovery is also the same whether male or female. Peggy Vaughan told me that in her many years of experience, hosting internet message boards, corresponding with affair survivors and providing telephone consulting services, "if you didn't KNOW the gender, you would NOT be able to tell whether you were hearing from a man or woman."
She also said: “Where there IS still a difference is in the isolation that men feel. Men are still less likely to confide in others and less likely to seek help/support. So in that sense, they may have a somewhat more difficult time recovering.”
I am personally acquainted with two couples where the woman has had an affair and they have gone on to rebuild very fulfilling marriages. The reports they give on how they healed, are identical to the reports regarding marriages where the man has been unfaithful. The first step was breaking all ties with the 3rd party. Second was a willingness by the wife to answer questions about the affair as asked, and for the couple to improve skills in communication, self-awareness and genuine honesty. This is a process which took time, and required a lot of patience on both parts.
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