9 Keys to Moving Beyond the Pain
Anne Bercht, the director of the Beyond Affairs Network, is co-founder, along with her husband Brian, of www.passionatelife.ca, a website dedicated to creating a healthy, passionate marriage.
I remember everything about my husband’s extramarital affair. I will never forget it, and neither will anyone else who’s been through it. It is not possible to forget something as significant as the betrayal of the one you love the most in the world. However, when I remember, I no longer have pain associated with the memory. This is a sign of true healing. How did I get there?
1. I got here by facing the issue head on, not attempting to shove it under the rug and pretend it isn’t really bothering me. I didn’t try to bury it, “forgive and forget,” “just suck it up and get over it.” These things don’t work when it comes to healing from extramarital affairs. Trying to just forget about it and move on would be like breaking your leg, and not bothering to go to the hospital to have it set and a cast put on. If you did not take the proper steps to heal a broken leg, your leg would never heal properly, you would always have pain, and you’d likely never be able to walk again. Emotional pain is no different. It must be treated.
2. I healed by learning about the affair and extramarital affairs in general, by coming to understand the truth. “You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.” I healed by getting answers to my questions, by learning to understand that I did not cause my husband to have an affair. It was the weaknesses in his character that allowed him to get to this place. I am not at fault for something, when I had no opportunity to participate in the decision of whether or not it was going to happen. Sure we took a look at our marriage, and I found things I could’ve done better as a wife (and there is not a wife out there with a faithful husband who couldn’t also find things she could do better too). My imperfections as a human being and as a wife did not force my husband to have an affair. There are healthy ways to deal with problems in a marriage. Having an extramarital affair is not the answer. My husband tells me today, that even if I’d been a perfect wife, he still would’ve had an extramarital affair, because he says, the affair had absolutely nothing to do with me and everything to do with his weaknesses, what he didn’t know and the choices he made. (Note! He did not say that right after his affair. It was a process and took time for him to see this.)
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