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CASE STUDY - "MICHELLE"

"My husband and I work very long hours. And when we did have an oppor­tunity to be together or were invited to a party or dinner, my husband came up with a million reasons why he couldn't make it. I was sick and tired of the whole situation — married, but with no husband! Our friends and family stopped calling us anymore.

I felt extremely isolated and embarrassed. I had the feeling that there might be another woman involved, but I wasn't sure. I knew I'd been nagging him lately and he couldn't stand it — but he never gave me a straight answer!

All of a sudden, he said he wanted a separation, claiming he needed a break from all the pressure I put on him. He thought I was crazy to even suggest he had girl­friend. He turned the whole situation around, and made me feel like I'd done something terribly wrong. My self-esteem had never been lower, and I was always questioning myself.

Finally, he did move out, saying he was going to stay at his mother's house for a while. When I called, he was never there. I felt that my mother-in-law was covering up for him — she and I never got along that well anyway.

The only way I could contact him was through his beeper. I decided to get a caller ID unit, to see where he was calling me from. One night, I beeped him quite late. He returned my call, but was extremely irritated that I had called so late. I didn't care, because when I looked at the caller ID unit, there was a name and number that I never knew.

I looked in the telephone book, found out the address that matched the name and phone number — and drove there, spotting my husband's car in the driveway. I waited a long time, but he never came out, so I went home. I returned the next morn­ing, saw a woman leave the house and drive away. So I rang the doorbell. My hus­band answered the door, and almost dropped dead. I just turned around and left!"

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

When your spouse encounters enough pressure by your asking too many questions, and the lover persists in wanting more quality time, your spouse feels as if his or her world is falling apart. Do not feel sorry for your spouse — remember your spouse was the one who started this mess.

Separation is very serious. When a couple separates, the spouse will usual­ly say he or she is moving in with a friend, a relative, or getting an apartment. Look for signs that you will only be able to contact your spouse at work, by pager or cell phone. If your spouse does not give you a direct telephone number to the new resi­dence, then he or she is probably living with the lover.