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The following quotes have been taken from comments I have heard in my office over the past years. “I couldn’t leave…my kids would be devastated”. “Nothing could be worse for my children than experiencing divorce”. “Maybe when they are out of high school…”. “My parents divorced and I never want my child to go through that”. “My parents divorced and tortured me with their hate for each other, so what difference would it make if I left?”

It is my personal belief that the best gift you can give to your children is to love one another as husband and wife. Working on your relationship daily and making it as strong as possible is an investment you make, not just as a couple, but as a family unit. I don’t think that many other things in this world can be as rewarding as the feelings of love, security and happiness that a good marriage and family life can bring. Having said that, I also don’t think many things can be as sad as an unrewarding marriage can be for both the couple and the family. Yet, so many people view divorce as the worst possible event that can occur in a child’s life. They view divorce as a selfish act that psychologically devastates children. I am not saying sometimes that isn’t the case, but staying in a unstable family atmosphere also has a negative impact on children.

Some studies conducted on children of divorce reflect that there are long-term, devastating, implications for these children. However, the omission that seems to occur in these studies are that they compare children of divorce to an idealized image of children whose parents had the “perfect” marriage instead of a marriage filled with dysfunction.

If your decision is that you cannot divorce “for the sake of the children”, PLEASE MAKE A COMMITMENT TO WORK ON YOUR MARRIAGE. Being martyrs and “toughing it through”, being miserable, living in a state of disconnection, conflict and/or sarcasm will not be what you want to create for your children. It will be a destructive process for everyone involved. You are their models throughout their life and if they see negativity, apathy and unhappiness, what chance do they have at creating something different in their own lives?

Only you can decide as mature adults what is best and if you have a workable relationship. Volumes have been written about this subject, but it is my belief that it all begins with love and respect…for yourself. It is my job to try to prevent people from leaving decent, salvageable relationships and prevent people from staying in harmful relationships. Once you lose self-love and self-respect, I am not convinced how or if it can be reclaimed. If you have determined that you will stay for the sake of the children, yourselves, your parents, neighbors, friends, or all of the above, here are some suggested readings that may help you on your journey towards creating a happy, secure relationship: