The 7 Worst Things to Say to Kids During Divorce
Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman are the authors of The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose. They are two of the world's foremost authorities on raising responsible, caring, confident children.
When you said the words, "I do," on your wedding day, the idea of divorce probably never entered your mind. Nor was it even a fleeting thought when you witnessed the birth of your first child. Chances are it never occurred to you at those times that one day you would be a statistic in the over 50% of marriages that end in divorce.
And yet here you are, considering divorce, separated, or already divorced. Today you find yourself dealing with issues of dating, visitation schedules, and feelings of animosity toward your spouse. You know that divorce is not the best situation for your children, but things have progressed too far to turn back now.
What do you do at this point to protect your children? How do you help them minimize the negative effects of a divorce? What do you say to them and how do you say it? How you handle yourself through the divorce process and the months that follow can be a determining factor in how well your children handle the struggles that divorce can bring.
Listed below are the seven worst things you can say to your children during a divorce. Avoid these and you'll be on your way to helping your children make the transition in a positive manner.
1. "If you behaved yourself more, your mother wouldn't get so mad at me."
Your child is NOT responsible for your relationship problems with your partner. Hinting that your child is in some way responsible for your divorce wounds the spirit and slashes the soul. Regardless of what your child has done or said, putting responsibility on them is totally inappropriate. Remember, a divorce takes place between the two married people in the relationship. Although divorce affects the children, you are not divorcing them. You are divorcing the person to whom you are married.
Even when you assure children that they are not responsible for the marriage breakup, most children believe they are somehow responsible. They think to themselves, "If I'd only been better, it wouldn't have happened," or "If I had just done something different, things would be OK with Mom and Dad."
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