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How can I find hope for the future?

Question:

My sense of safety within my marriage was shattered by my spouse's affair, and my sense of safety within my country was shattered by the events of September 11. I feel helpless and depressed and can't find it within me to be hopeful that things will ever get better.

Peggy's Response:

Any life crisis (whether personal or in society as a whole) challenges our beliefs, our attitudes, and yes, our hope. However, the hope is to be found in the lessons we learn from the crises. While I don't personally subscribe to the idea that things "happen for a reason," I DO believe that we can "find meaning" through the way we respond to and learn from any experience.

The question above refers to a "sense of safety" being shattered both by the spouse's affair and by the 9-11 tragedy. What was shattered was actually the illusion of safety. We weren't safe to begin with; we simply didn't know it or didn't recognize it—so we inadvertently failed to take the steps necessary to try to prevent it. Whether affairs or terrorism, we tend to think that we are not personally vulnerable, but this false sense of being somehow immune makes us even more vulnerable because we fail to be aware and informed about factors that could make a difference.

There's clear evidence that people who had studied terrorism for the past few years were well aware that a major terrorist attack in the U.S. was likely. But in general, we preferred to ignore or deny the signs. With extramarital affairs, we have also preferred to ignore or deny the prevalence of affairs. We've tended to buy into what I've called the "monogamy myth," a set of beliefs that leads us to think we can just assume monogamy, that our marriage is somehow immune. In neither case (in dealing with the threat of terrorism or the threat of affairs) have we openly shared the kind of information and perspective that might have helped prevent them.