Featured Article

1. Do you feel safe to think for yourself? If you are responded to by your spouse typically with comments such as “That’s a stupid idea!”, “That’s ridiculous!”, You are being berated and will probably learn to belittle your own thinking. In healthy relationships, we encourage others to think. After all, don’t we want our kids to verbalize their plans, ask questions and learn to make their own decisions? Don’t we want our spouses to use their creativity and intelligence to complement our own? As someone has said of marriage, if both of us think exactly alike, one of us is unnecessary.

2. Are you encouraged to talk and know that your words will be valued? In good relationships, you have not only the freedom to think, but are encouraged to talk and to express yourself. The “listener” values what you are trying to express, even if the two of you disagree. A gentle touch can communicate that what you are saying is valuable, as does good eye contact. In this way, we know that we are given undivided attention. Body language can also convey interest and acceptance.

3. Do you enjoy a sense of safety and value in sharing your feelings? In a healthy relationship, you not only know your thinking and words will be valued, but you also have the freedom to share your feelings, knowing they will be respected. In an unhealthy situation, on the other hand, any attempt to share feelings may be met with a denigrating statement like, “Oh, grow up!”, or “You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.”

4. Do you feel connected to the ones you love? You are connected when you regularly share your deepest feelings with one another, when you are enthusiastic about seeing one another at the end of a long day, when you enjoy being together and doing things with one another. The opposite of this is a situation where a partner is either neglectful—perhaps a workaholic—or controlling. Neglect or control creates distance rather than connection. The pain of empty relationships may lead to attempts at numbing or filling the void perhaps with unhealthy addictive substances or food.

5. Are your “property lines”, known as boundaries being respected? Violating boundaries can cause a crack that lets in emotional infection, especially anger, that threatens every area of the person’s life. Family members need to learn to ask for permission before entering someone else’s space and then being willing to accept the answer they are given, even if it is not the one they wanted. For example, the wife who wants to talk about finances at a time when her husband is tired and does not feel that he has the energy to devote at the moment. The wife, feeling pressured and having the opportunity, pushes and pushes until the husband gives in. However, now he harbors anger and it doesn’t take much before an argument, rather than constructive discussion occurs.