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Becoming Strong Enough to Love

Do you believe that you need a partner to be happy? My client, Adrienne, an attractive woman in her 50's, has been married and divorced twice. She was unhappy in both marriages, but she still believes that she needs a partner to be happy. This belief continually leads her into inappropriate relationships with men who initially come on strong, only to turn out to be emotionally needy, just like her.

The problem is we attract people at our common level of woundedness and our common level of health. Because Adrienne had never learned to take loving care of herself, she generally met men who were not taking care of themselves. When she finally did meet a man who was taking personal emotional responsibility, the relationship was short-lived. He soon lost interest in a woman who wanted him to make her happy.

As Adrienne and I worked together, it became apparent that she had spent her whole life taking emotionally responsibility for others - her parents, her children, and her partners. In her belief system, she was supposed to make others happy and they were supposed to make her happy. But it never seemed to work out that way - she never felt happy.

Adrienne also believed that taking care of herself was selfish rather than self-responsible. She feared that if she did what she wanted to do, instead of what everyone else wanted her to do, the people around her would be mad at her. As we worked together, it became apparent to Adrienne that her unhappiness was not because she didn't have a partner but because she was not taking responsibility for herself. She was not speaking up for herself at work or with the men she dated, instead allowing people to walk all over her. She realized that in constantly trying to have control over people not getting angry with her, she was abandoning herself. It was her self-abandonment that was causing her so much pain and feelings of aloneness.