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In our relationship seminars we frequently hear people ask about "rebound relationships". How do you know if you or someone you’re dating is really on the rebound? Can it ever be a good thing? And what’s the best ways to handle the strong urges you may have to be with someone new after a breakup?

A breakup of a serious intimate relationship can be a very difficult experience, and is often accompanied by feelings of confusion, sadness, anxiety, sleeplessness, appetite loss (or binge eating), and generally feeling off-balance. Feelings of self-worth may be low. We may question our attractiveness and desirability for future relationships. We may feel emotionally raw, vulnerable and needy at times. We may feel lonely and miss the affection and sensual gratification of our previous relationship.

One very tempting way to cope with this unpleasant state is to literally fall into the arms of someone else who will catch us, hold us, and tell us what we most want to hear and feel: that’s we’re okay, we’re worthwhile, we’re attractive, we’re desirable, and we’re lovable. And when we choose to sexualize this coping strategy and experience the wonderfully mesmerizing fireworks of infatuation and lust, we can all but forget about our past pain. Loss? What sadness? Who? Life becomes a joyous spontaneous encounter with the present moment. Ah, relief and distraction from our pain. And for the other person who has rescued someone from their pain, and who is connecting with someone in an extreme state of openness and vulnerability, they may feel that they have finally found their soul mate: someone who listens, is open, is willing to share their feelings, is deep, authentic and spontaneous, and who seems different than anyone they’ve ever met.

Which all sounds well and good except for one thing: one or both people are usually getting set up to get really hurt. For weeks or months later when the glow fades and the person begins to feel like themselves again, they may see their new partner as merely a helpful transitional friend who helped them through a hard time. One day they wake up and wonder, "Why am I with this person? What was I thinking? I’m not in love with them." And then they say they need to date other people, and their helpful rescuer is crushed. Unfortunately, the normal illusions and fantasies of falling in love are even more pronounced in a rebound relationship.

So what do you do if a newly-alone person comes rushing into your arms? First of all, see them for who and what they are: needy and vulnerable. By all means give them support and companionship and affection, but recognize that anything further or deeper is a huge risk for both of you. They can’t know which end is up, and at least for a while, everything they do gets filtered through the lens of need, not through health and love. You may enjoy the adoration of temporarily rescuing someone from their pain, and they can be incredibly honest and fun as they explore creating a new independent identity. But don’t mistake that for who they will eventually turn out to be, because they are on a journey of transformation that may or may not include you. Neither of you know who they will be at the other end. Be kind, compassionate and wise enough to give them what they REALLY need, which is usually a true friend, not a lover. And if it should turn out that the two of you really do have a genuine romantic connection, there will plenty of time to explore that in the future. Don’t rob your future relationship of the loving possibilities it may have by prematurely romanticizing your friendship.