Resolving Conflict, Creating Solutions
The Relationship Institute, www.relationship-institute.com, serves the online community and communities in southeastern Michigan, providing marriage, pre-marriage and couples counseling, relationship therapy, and couples counseling.
Many people view conflicts in a relationship as a bad sign, as if couples should not have disagreements. At the Relationship Institute, our view is that conflicts are inevitable in intimate relationships, and moreover they can be seen as excellent opportunities for both personal and relational growth.
Couples often have areas of conflict that cause repetitive arguments that are very difficult to resolve. If you are experiencing such conflict, you might want to try to use the following method to resolve it. If you are unable to successfully resolve the problem using these tools, though, it probably means that the issue is a deeper one which requires professional help such as Couples Therapy to resolve.
To resolve an ongoing conflict:
1. Identify the area of conflict as specifically as possible. You cannot solve a conflict which is vaguely defined.
EXAMPLES OF POORLY DEFINED CONFLICTS:
"You're a slob"
"The house is a mess"
"You always run up the credit cards"
EXAMPLES OF WELL-DEFINED CONFLICTS:
"I feel we're not working as a team on the house cleaning"
"I feel anxious because we haven't yet paid off our debts and started saving for retirement"
2. Using the Healthy Constructive Communication Exercise, take turns and each of you state your feelings and thoughts on the issue.
• Take as long as it takes for you to state your position and feel that your partner has really heard you.
• Just doing this Communication Exercise sometimes resolves a conflict, though not always.
• Do not go on to the next step until BOTH OF YOU feel heard by the other one.
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