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Every Valentine’s Day, people reflect on the amount of romance in their relationship. For some, Cupid’s arrow strikes with a passionate bulls-eye, while for others the arrow misses its mark, leaving them wishing for more romance. One of the most common patterns we see in working with couples is the disappointment and disillusionment which comes when one or both partners feel the romance is gone. There’s little or no passion and excitement, though they fondly remember a time when the mere thought of being together elicited powerful feelings of intense love and tenderness. Yet now the relationship seems dry, stale, and boring. What happened? And is it possible to get those wonderful feelings back?

In a new relationship, we are all granted a free grace period where tremendous passion, aliveness and intensity is bestowed upon us with minimal effort. There is evidence that there is a physiological reason for this period of infatuation, where the brains of new lovers are saturated with higher levels of phenylethylamine (PEA), a naturally-occurring amphetamine-like neurotransmitter, creating a highly aroused state of body of mind. As a result, we are spontaneously loving, giving, thoughtful, affectionate, playful and passionate. The slightest touch can elicit fireworks and we are fully awake and present in each luscious moment. We are given this wonderful gift - a vision of what is possible to create with each other - and then our task is to transform that vision into reality. But what lies ahead after the glow wears off?

In the 1977 movie Annie Hall, Woody Allen and Diane Keaton confront this question by asking an elderly woman on the streets of Manhattan about the true nature of love. She looks at Woody sadly, shaking her head, and says, "Love fades, sonny." Yet just then, a young happy couple comes bounding their way, and a perplexed Woody asks them, "How do YOU do it? How do you stay so happy?" The man cheerfully replies, "Well I’m vain and shallow, and so is she! It works great!" and they run off laughing and kissing.

In reality, it is depth not shallowness that creates lasting love. And love doesn’t fade unless a couple allows it to fade. The Law of Entropy applies here: without a sustained effort toward keeping anything in the physical universe maintained or improved, things tend to deteriorate and go in the direction of disorder, whether it is your car, your home, your body or your love. People take their love for granted, and they slowly begin to drift apart, until suddenly they realize they are little more than roommates.

And how do you keep your love from fading? What specific efforts help keep the feelings alive and passionate? Although not easy to perform, the two-part answer is simple: Reduce or eliminate hurts and resentments, and create a closer bond by understanding and meeting your partner’s emotional needs.

You cannot simultaneously feel resentment and loving toward someone! So the first thing to do is clear up any hurts or resentments standing in the way of your wanting to be close. Listen to your partner’s concerns or resentments, validate their experience, and make whatever corrections or amends you need to help them fully resolve and let go of their issue.