Honesty! What It Is
And What It Can Do
Peggy Vaughan, the founder of DearPeggy.com and the Beyond Affairs Network, is a noted leader in the field of infidelity recovery. Her books include “The Monogamy Myth,” “Recovering From Affairs,” and “Beyond Affairs,” among others.
No matter what reasons/excuses may be offered as to why someone has an affair, there is an essential "trump card" that is necessary in order to proceed. In the final analysis (regardless of the reason for wanting to have an affair), acting on that desire ultimately depends on one thing: being willing to be dishonest and deceptive.
Honesty is also the most important factor in rebuilding the marriage. The future possibilities for the marriage are not determined by what happened in the affair; they are determined by what happens after the affair is known. Specifically, it's determined by the degree to which the one who had an affair is willing to be honest and answer all their spouse's questions about the affair.
You've probably heard the lyrics of the song (actually several songs), that say: "Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies." Many people define honesty as "not lying." However, honesty is much more than just "not lying;" it's "not withholding relevant information."
To clarify..."not withholding relevant information" doesn't mean sharing every single thought. That's not possible, even if it were desirable. But it is possible to make a point of not withholding information that is relevant to the relationship. By this standard, most of us are far from honest.
We all like to think of ourselves as honest, but our ideas of what it means to be honest are different. "I'm an honest person," frequently means, "I don't tell outright lies." Or sometimes it means, "I'm basically honest, but there are some things you just can't talk about."
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