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Relationships that are fulfilling, meaningful and intimate, don’t just happen, we have to work at making them happen. Many couples that enter my office with marital issues state that one of the major things missing from their relationship deep connection. This is usually revealed by one of the partners, at the total shock and dismay of the other. You may be asking yourself, “How could one partner be feeling so void and the other so clueless?” or perhaps you are smirking and resonating to this concept right now!

Noted author, Gary Smalley, in his book entitled, “Secrets to Lasting Love” refers to Five Levels of Intimate Communicating. Some couples have developed a style of communicating in clichés. There are no real discussions here. Everything is just “fine” or “no problem”. It is a rather empty way to communicate. One partner asks, “How was your day?” and the other responds, “Fine.” “What happened at work?” “You know, same old stuff, work is always the same…” No personal information is offered and the feeling that one partner usually comes away with is “He/she won’t let me in.” In these relationships there is much TV watching and separate activity time.

The second level of communicating is sharing facts. This might be about the weather, work, current events, the children’s activities and things that need to be scheduled. It is usually centered on neutral kinds of topics that there is low incidence of having conflict around. Fact sharing is a type of substitution for conversation. There is rarely an argument. It’s safe, it isn’t personal, it’s simply exchanging information.

The third level of communicating is sharing opinions. Now this becomes a bit risky. Once you start sharing opinions, you include your concerns, expectations and worries. This, of course, opens the door to the possibility of difference of opinion. Could an argument now ensue? Yes, of course, unless you have learned the skills that can overcome differences. If you have not learned how to handle difference at this level, you are at risk for developing serious problems in your relationship.

The fourth level of communicating is sharing feelings. This can only occur when both partners feel that it is safe to share their deepest feelings. It is important that both of you have learned to listen and to voice your opinions, concerns and expectations to each other without fear of invalidation, criticism and judgment. The listener attempts to understand and validate what is said by the speaker. When people share feelings, we fulfill our deepest relationship need. When conflicts occur, it reveals that a person’s feelings and needs are not being understood, validated or fulfilled.

The fifth level of communicating is sharing needs. At this level, an individual feels safe to share their own deepest needs. You then feel safe, secure and intimate with one another without the threat of invalidation, criticism and judgment.

Where are you in your own levels of communicating with your partner? Perhaps at one level at times and other levels at other times? Are the percentages working for you or would you like to see more at the deeper levels of communicating? One of the suggestions relationships expert, Dr. John Gottman gives he devised from his “twenty minute theory”. Dr. Gottman discovered that a total of twenty minutes a day of “turning toward each other” in substantial ways can make the difference between divorce and staying together in a satisfying relationship.