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In our work with couples, one of the most universal frustrations we hear about relates to one central theme: why can’t my partner see it MY way? It usually goes something like this: I know MY way of seeing things is right, true, and correct, yet I can’t seem to get him or her to understand this! How can they be so ___________ ! (insert your favorite negative judgement of your partner here).

What is the deepest meaning of this frustration? And how can we use our awareness and wisdom to break through this judgement into deeper levels of intimacy and love?

When we fall in love, our spirits soar, and we are capable of extraordinary vision, unselfishness and sensitivity. Our normal defenses melt away and our hearts open wide. But at some point we enter another stage where our egos manage to assert themselves in the relationship. And when that happens, our concerns shift: what’s in it for me? Am I getting MY needs met? Are you really as wonderful as I thought? Are we really NOT compatible? Are we NOT as alike as I thought we were? Distance replaces the blissful union of infatuation, and instead of a host of harmonious blendings of values and ideas, differences may appear glaring. The consequence of the ego taking over is that our pure loving hearts shut down. The ego typically is afraid to surrender control, for that would mean changing. So the ego fiercely defends its turf: I am right, you are wrong. I see the truth, you are obviously deluded. We don’t do this to create problems. On the contrary, there is a profound disappointment that accompanies the loss of closeness, and at the deepest level we desire to return to that state of oneness. If we can’t spontaneously experirence that union, the next best thing is to try to change our partner and make them more like us.

But once the egos take center stage, a power struggle often begins, with each person defending their point of view instead of listening to the other with empathy and genuine concern. What can a couple do who recognizes they are in this combative energy? How can they regain their openness to love? One very important shift in attitude is to see your partner not as your adversary, but as your teacher. Remember that your partner is really the most accurate, honest mirror you have: you can rationalize to yourself, you can hide your truth from your friends, your colleagues, and even your therapist, but you cannot hide the truth of who you are from the person who lives with you every day. Whether you act heroically or like a two year old, your partner is there to witness it all. They, better than anyone else, knows your demons and angels.