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So your partner has ended the affair. He might be ready to move forward, but you still find yourself plagued with lingering doubts. Maybe you are still wondering if he truly has ended the affair. Or, you might be afraid another affair will occur later on down the line. I’ve heard it many, many times: “How do I know he has truly changed? How do I know I can trust him?” Once lost, trust can be a very difficult thing to recover. Lingering doubts can plague your thoughts. Every-day events can spark suspicions of an ulterior motive; i.e. an unscheduled trip to the corner store makes you wonder if it’s just an excuse get away to make a secret phone call, or coming home late from work fills your head with any number of unfavorable scenarios. You know you will never be able to move forward as long as those lingering doubts persist.

So how do you stop feeling suspicious? How do you ease the doubts so you can begin creating the relationship you always wanted? It can come down to this simple equation: Trust = Consistency over Time. Your partner’s consistency can be recognized in two very observable areas. The first is her behavior that was specific to the affair. You know which behaviors I’m talking about; those little anomalous actions that gave you that ‘gut feeling’. Perhaps it was strange numbers on her cell, e-mails, odd hours at work, etc. She likely became angry and/or insulted when you questioned her. The first sign of real change is when the suspicious behavior ends and she doesn’t come ‘unglued’ when you ask about it.

The second piece has to do with what lead your partner to stray. The affair was not the problem. Rather, the affair was a symptom of a much bigger problem. This will be specific to the type of affair he had. Did it have to do with the low self-esteem present in a #1 or #6? Or, did it have to do with a sense of entitlement present in a #3? Perhaps the core issue was the fear of intimacy involved in a #7? Whatever the underlying issue was, you will sense a shift in your partner in regards to that issue. Perhaps she is becoming more self-assured and stands up for herself more. Or perhaps he coveys a genuine interest in taking your relationship to a level of intimacy that you haven’t experienced in him before.

When you can track these changes over time, you will find yourself beginning to trust again. Don’t rush yourself, and don’t rush your partner. It will take a lot of time and effort for your partner to make real and lasting changes, just as it will also take you a lot of time and effort to trust those changes. The affair began as a problem. With time, it can become a growing experience like no other.  Remember Trust = Consistency Over Time.

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