Why Stay With A Spouse
Who Has Had An Affair?
Peggy Vaughan, the founder of DearPeggy.com and the Beyond Affairs Network, is a noted leader in the field of infidelity recovery. Her books include “The Monogamy Myth,” “Recovering From Affairs,” and “Beyond Affairs,” among others.
While I certainly can't speak for everyone who finds themselves in this situation, I can offer some perspective as a person who has "been there" and as a professional who has worked with this issue for the past twenty years.
First of all, the question itself reflects a way of thinking that implies a person "shouldn't" stay. It indicates a judgmental, critical attitude that sounds something like, "Well, if MY partner had an affair, I'd..." No matter how you finish that sentence, you're only guessing. The fact is that nobody knows what they will do unless and until it DOES happen to them.
When you're only thinking about this issue in an abstract way—or regarding someone else—it seems simple to decide to leave. But when it happens to YOU, it's anything but simple. And the old knee-jerk response of "kick-the-bum-out" just doesn't hold up when faced with the reality of the situation.
The reality includes consideration of the impact on family, children, and economic issues. But there are many things to consider beyond these obvious concerns. It's not enough to look only at the reasons someone might feel they "ought" to stay. There are also some important reasons they might "want" to stay:
They may still love their spouse. Yes, despite the hurt and anger, love can still survive. This was an important point for me personally.
They may value their shared history. My husband and I had grown up together, been childhood sweethearts, and been married eighteen years when I learned of his affairs.
They may value their shared goals and commitment to larger issues in the world. My husband and I had worked together on many issues that we felt were important.
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