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Learning to trust again takes a lot of time and work—most of which must be done by the person who HAD an affair. (There's not much the spouse can do to restore the bond of trust. It was broken by the one who had the affair, and can only be restored by the actions of the one who had the affair.)

Actually, I've written quite a lot about the issue of trust over the years. That's because it's such a key issue for everyone after learning of their spouse's affair. In responding to the above request for some "practical, specific activities to rebuild trust," I'm listing below some of the steps to be taken by the person who had an affair in order to gradually rebuild the trust that has been destroyed

Here are some specific guidelines for the person who had an affair:

1. Don't expect your spouse to trust you again for a very long time.

While your spouse may want to trust again, trust cannot be "bestowed;" it will only come as a by-product of your willingness to do everything possible to gain their trust. While your commitments and promises are a good starting point, it's your actions (over time) that will dictate the course of rebuilding trust. "Actions speak louder than words."

2. Sever all contact with the third party.

This means no more contact of any kind: no telephone, email, nothing! (The only exception to this is if the third party is a family member or there is a child born from the affair. In those cases, most people try to accommodate to some kind of contact in the future.) For any other situation, it's a matter of being clear about the priority—to help your spouse recover—which may involve major life changes. For instance, an affair at work means finding another job. An affair with someone in your social group means changing friends. An affair with someone within your very small community means moving to another community. An affair through the internet means no computer at all for awhile, then only limited use with NO private email accounts and no chat rooms, etc. The bottom line is to do whatever it takes to sever all contact with the third party.

Note: If the third party initiates contact, tell them your spouse knows about the affair and that you will have no more contact with them. Clearly ask them to honor this request. Even though you may feel bad to hurt the third party this way, it's just a fact that everyone gets hurt in these situations and your first responsibility is to bring no more pain to your spouse. (Also, it's better for the third party to know where things stand so they can get on with their life without dragging this out or holding out false hope.)

3. Answer all of your spouse's questions.

Most spouses want lots of information, not only who, what, when, where, why—but details too. Your natural inclination (both to protect yourself and to "protect" them) will be to only tell whatever you think you absolutely have to disclose, but no more. This is like trying to put a band aid on a major wound. Your spouse's life has just been turned upside down, and they need answers in order to make any sense of it. But more important than the answers themselves, they need to know you are willing to do whatever it takes for them to recover. It's up to your spouse—not to you—to determine what they need to know.