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When a couple share their deepest feelings about everything, including the "scary" stuff (like attractions to other people or fears of their partner having an affair), they develop a deeper understanding of each other. Many people think that talking about such emotional issues will inevitably cause problems. But it's far more likely that it will lead to a closer relationship because of the comfort involved in feeling you will be told the truth about anything that comes up.

"It's ironic that while honesty is recognized as important to a relationship, most people also fear it and see it as a risk to the security of the relationship. Unfortunately, they fail to see the risk involved with dishonesty. Part of the reason for the current fear of honesty is because of the kind of honesty that became prevalent in the 60's with "saying it like it is" and "letting it all hang out." This led many people to see honesty as thoughtlessly hurting each other with bluntness, which, in turn, led to excusing dishonesty as tact and kindness toward others. This is a narrow, shortsighted view of honesty and a naive view of dishonesty.

"Of course, honesty can be harmful if it's practiced with no regard for its impact on the other person. But there's much more involved than simply deciding whether to be honest. It's important to focus on when, why, and how—paying attention to timing, motivation, and caring. These factors will be discussed more thoroughly in the guidelines for developing good communication later in the chapter.

"The fear of being hurt is one of the main drawbacks to a wholehearted pursuit of honesty. Because of this fear, many people question just how much honesty is good or desirable in an intimate relationship. They rationalize that they're being honest as long as they're not actively lying. But honesty is much more than simply not lying; it's not withholding information or feelings that are important to the relationship. The idea of this kind of "total" honesty seems so unrealistic and unachievable for most people that they may feel there's no point in even trying to be honest. But developing honesty is a process, not an event. And the goal for each couple (which is certainly attainable) is to gradually increase their level of honesty.

"It's understandable that there will be feelings of anxiety associated with trying to establish a relationship based on open, honest communication. Lack of honesty tends to break down relationships over the years, and it becomes very difficult to change old ways of relating. The effort to convince a spouse to be honest (who is obviously resisting the effort) becomes a very trying experience, especially when dealing with an emotional issue like affairs.

"One woman described how her husband had ignored all her efforts to talk about his affairs—he just wanted to forget the whole thing and expected her to do the same. She was extremely frustrated that he thought she should just accept him back without working through her feelings about what had happened. She felt unable to stay with him without more honesty, so she eventually left the relationship.