Making Marriage Work, Part 1
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You? and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process.
Becoming Strong Enough to Love
(This is part 1 of a 5-part series on making marriage work)
It was Joan's first counseling session with me, but it didn't take long before the tears began to stream down her cheeks. "I'm married to the man of my dreams, but I'm miserable," she said, reaching a hand up to wipe away her tears. "We were so in love and now things are falling apart. We are fighting and distant much of the time. I love Justin and I don't want to lose him, but I don't know what to do. I don't know why this is happening. I seem to be getting angrier and angrier and he is getting more and more distant."
"What are you angry about?" I inquired.
"Justin keeps pulling away from me. He's working longer and longer hours. But even on the weekends when he is home, he just seems to be distant. He's either watching TV, playing computer games, or in the garage working in his workshop. When I try to talk with him about it, he shuts down even more. We can't talk at all anymore."
Like Joan and Justin, many couples are stuck in a dysfunctional relationship system, wondering what happened to the love and passion they had at the beginning of their relationship.
Two major fears may be undermining your relationship with your partner:
Fear of rejection: the loss of another's love through anger, judgment, emotional withdrawal, physical withdrawal, or death.
Fear of engulfment: the loss of self through being controlled, consumed, invaded, suffocated, dominated, and swallowed up by another's demands.
Until these fears are healed, you will likely react defensively whenever they are triggered. Joan reacted by getting angry when her fears of rejection were activated, while Justin withdrew when his fears of engulfment were triggered. You might react in different defensive ways, but the result will be the same - your reactive behavior coming from your fears of rejection or engulfment will trigger your partner's fears of rejection or engulfment. Now both of you are acting out of fear. Together you have created an unsafe space where love and intimacy will gradually erode.
Most of us have not learned to stay open when our fears of being rejected, abandoned, engulfed, or controlled are triggered. If, when these fears are activated, you focus on who is at fault or who started it, you perpetuate the problems. Blaming your partner for your fears, as well as for your own reactive, unloving behavior, makes the relationship feel unsafe.
Article Archives
