Revenge!
Anne Bercht, the director of the Beyond Affairs Network, is co-founder, along with her husband Brian, of www.passionatelife.ca, a website dedicated to creating a healthy, passionate marriage.
At this week’s meeting it was great to share some of our crazy thoughts and find out that we are not so crazy after all. Neither are we alone. One woman whose husband just married the person whom he had the affair with shared how inwardly she couldn't wait until he had an affair on his new wife, or she had an affair on him. After hearing her story, we all confessed that we too inwardly had this desire. It is somewhat normal in human nature to desire to see justice done. When someone commits an offence, we feel they must pay a price for their wrong. However, it is important to realize that it is not up to us to make that happen. It is best to give up thoughts of revenge and move on with our own lives. Just wait 'til you read my book and discover what devious plot my teenage daughter and I devised to bring justice to the woman that was stealing our husband and father. I'm happy to say we never carried out our plan, but for a brief moment it provided a sense of relief to plan it. My point is it is very normal and human to want revenge or justice. Just don't park there. Recognize it and then let it go. Focus your attention on being a better person, not on being a bitter person.
How long does it take to Heal?
It was also great to share some of the crazy things professionals, not to mention friends and family are capable of saying to us as we endeavor to survive the excruciating pain. We all had a good laugh when one woman shared how a professional counselor had told her that it would take her exactly half as long as she had been married to heal from her spouse's affair. We all wondered, so at 1 year 49 days and 7 seconds suddenly I will be better?
The reality is you cannot put a time line on how long it takes to heal, and it doesn't matter if it takes a long time. It doesn't matter if it takes ten years. Putting an exact time on the healing process only serves to make us feel worse, when we reach the time and still feel hurt. We also agreed that although we can heal, we will actually never be the same as we were before the betrayal. The important thing is that we are being proactive in moving ourselves forward in our healing journey. We all agreed that time is not necessarily a healer, if one chooses to use that time to nurse and rehearse the pain over and over, instead of gaining perspective and understanding. Whether we stay married, separate or are divorced, it is fair to say that if we don't want to feel this way for the rest of our lives, we must be willing to do the 'work' of healing. Those who have been able to heal, report that a lot of that healing has come through reading books and other sources where they have been able to gain greater understanding and perspective.
Sadness
We also discussed the pain, the sadness and moving past these feelings. See getting past the sadness. We agreed that a lot of the sadness is connected to a feeling of being 'unlovable'. When your spouse tosses you aside for another, like a used piece of clothing being carted off to the Salvation Army thrift store, you feel worthless and unlovable. But the reality is the fact that a spouse has chosen to be with someone new does not make you a lesser human being. If anything it is they who have lowered themselves by not keeping their promise, the wedding vows. It is very difficult however to get this truth from our heads down into our hearts.
Forgiving
In addition we discussed forgiveness? Should we forgive? How can you forgive? Several women shared how they had begun to suffer with physical sickness after discovering their spouse's unfaithfulness. Then they shared how after they had made the decision to forgive, they began to experience improved health as well as a greater sense of inner peace. Once again it seems there may be a tremendous personal benefit in forgiving. It also needs to be noted that as we work through these feelings our thinking and our feelings do not always line up. We choose to forgive in our minds, but our hearts still feel as though we haven't forgiven. That's okay and normal, but as we continue to control our thinking, eventually our feelings will follow.
Article Archives
