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“Let’s go out with Rob and Maggie on Saturday night”, said Nick. Laura responded, “I don’t think so, you know how wiped out I am by the time the weekend comes, I’d rather just get the kids to bed and rent a movie or something”. Nick began to get irritable, reactive and retreated, giving Laura “yes” and “no” answers for the remainder of the evening. Laura felt isolated and sad. In her head she replayed the same scene over the past two years and came to the same conclusion. “He has promised so many times that he won’t drink too much when we go out socially, so I make “the deal” and then he breaks it. Laura has now learned to say “no deal” in a variety of creative ways.

Unfortunately, Nick and Laura’s marriage is literally, “on the rocks”. Nick does not believe he has a drinking problem. We call this denial. For Nick, alcohol has become more important to him than his promise, as well as his relationship. This is the disease of alcoholism. Nick means well. He has good intentions. When he and Laura make a deal that he will not have too much to drink when they are in social situations, he means to stick to his promise. However, then the evening progresses and he likes the way he feels once he feels the “buzz” and Nick states that he cannot help himself. The more he drinks, the more he loses the ability to regulate his drinking behavior. Laura becomes more and more conscious of what is occurring and feels helpless to control the situation. Nick becomes the life of the party. Others laugh at his jokes. Laura is often the subject of the jokes. The evening ends and Laura is the designated driver. She is hurt, angry, betrayed, once again. She asks, “I thought we had a deal?”

The following morning, the disaster of the evening continues. Nick feels terrible and often cannot manage of get himself up for work. Laura is in a position of having to make excuses for him. When the children ask, “What’s wrong with Daddy?” Laura answers, “He ate something that didn’t agree with him last night; let’s let Daddy sleep”. This is called codependency. Laura is weary; Laura loves Nick She does not know what she can do about her marriage, about her children, her lying to them and to others. She states, “In the beginning, I wanted to believe it when he would say we have a deal. Although he would promise not to have more than a couple of drinks, he never lived up to his side of the deal. What was I supposed to do? So now, I just won’t go anywhere there is a possibility that he will drink.” Maggie’s creativity ranges from “I’m not feeling well”, to “the kids have to be taken to sports, etc.” When she is feeling stronger, she becomes more assertive and honestly tells him, “I can’t trust you because you have proven to me time and time again that you cannot keep your deal regarding your drinking”.

With a track record of two years of not keeping his side of the deal, Laura has a right to say, “no deal”. Being honest about why is important. Al-Anon would be an important support group for her to attend on a regular basis. Meetings could help Maggie learn about codependency. She would learn valuable information in how to have discussions with her children. This, in turn, would help her feelings of inadequacy in her motherhood role. Learning to detach so that she might be able to be less invested in the outcome of Nick’s behavior would be important. If this occurred, she would then be more available in terms of time and emotional energy so that she could take better care of herself.

Denise Silverstein can be contacted via email at deniselcsw@hotmail.com.