Is it reasonable to want
to talk about the affair?
Peggy Vaughan, the founder of DearPeggy.com and the Beyond Affairs Network, is a noted leader in the field of infidelity recovery. Her books include “The Monogamy Myth,” “Recovering From Affairs,” and “Beyond Affairs,” among others.
Question #1:
Four months ago, I discovered my wife was having an affair with her boss. I confronted her with evidence, she confessed, and she has ended the relationship with the lover. We have committed to restoring the marriage. She does not want to talk about it much anymore, and I still feel the need for discussion of the affair.
Question #2:
My husband's affair has been discovered and acknowledged for six months. He has broken it off and we are trying to rebuild our marriage. I still have questions and am trying to make some sense of the 7 years that he has been unfaithful. Although I am not throwing it up into his face, the mere mention of the events of the affair shut him down. He refuses to talk, and those friends whom we have told, counsel me to forgive and go on. Is it reasonable to ask about the framework of the events?
Peggy's Response:
During the past 20 years, the most prevalent issue people have asked me about is "talking about the affair." That's because the person who has had an affair would like to "put it behind and go on" without talking about it—while the spouse has an intense "need to know" in order to try to make some kind of sense out of what has happened before they are able to "go on").
The needs of the two people are very different, and the reasons for their needs are different as well. Here's a brief overview of "why the person who had an affair doesn't want to talk" and "why the spouse wants to talk and get answers."
Why the person who had an affair doesn't want to talk
(Each of these is discussed in detail in my book, The Monogamy Myth.)
--Belief in the Basic Code of Silence:
("Never tell; if questioned, deny it; if caught, say as little as possible")
--Feelings of guilt and shame
--Protecting their partner's feelings
--Avoiding a showdown
--May want to continue having affairs
Why the spouse wants to talk and get answers
--If you have no opportunity to get information to try to "make sense" of something that has turned your life upside down, you have no way of getting beyond it.
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