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Within our personal relationships, partners probably do things on a daily basis that often hurt one another. The damage that is produced can eventually lead to feelings of anger, hurt, betrayal and a sense of not being safe within the relationship. The question becomes: Should your relationship continue when you cannot overcome the pain and/or the damage over time? You may ask, “How much time?” and “How severe is the pain and damage?” Indeed, those are key questions. But first, this is not only about the classic betrayal of affairs, but also may be about:

-A partner making humiliating jokes about things that they know are

not funny to the other.

-Broken promises to a partner about an important issue that the other

has been counting on.

-Being untruthful about finances.

-Choosing family of origin over your partner.

-Inability or unwillingness to forgive.

-Inability to empathize.

Of course, this is not a complete list. For the sake of brevity, I will summarize some key concepts to consider. First, remember that in relationships, the meaning of hurtful behaviors is determined by what happens between the two partners and their individual belief systems and values. Mira Kirshenbaum states in “Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay” that the question to ask yourself as the betrayed individual is: Whatever was done that caused hurt and betrayal, do you have the sense that the pain and damage has lessened with time? If, according to a reasonable timetable, there is a lessening of pain, hurt, fear and anger, then there is a good chance that your relationship can heal the damage caused by the “crime”.

The second issue has to do with “forgiveness”. Again , Kirshenbaum asks, Is there a demonstrated capacity and mechanism for genuine forgiveness in your relationship? Was the forgiveness genuine, and not merely words? And, equally important, did the other partner, the one who needed the forgiveness, willingly perform any act of restitution or atonement or healing? If you can find your way back to genuine forgiveness, you can find your way back to each other.

Many times I am asked what I believe the single most important feature is in a meaningful relationship. What stands out for me is safety and security. What I am referring to exactly is the feeling of being able to be completely vulnerable with another human being without the threat of being made fun of, ridiculed, scorned, shamed or abandoned. Allowing yourself to be psychologically naked without fear of anything you have exposed ever being used against you provides safety and security that cannot be compared to any other sense of peace.

We all need to be the best that we can be personally and professionally. In our relationships what this means is that where we have awareness, we must make choices that nurture our relationships. For example, if we know that making jokes about our spouse’s cooking is hurtful, albeit funny to others, we need to stop making those jokes – end of discussion. Where there is unintentional hurt, there needs to be an ability to listen and awareness so that mistakes are not repeated. It isn’t easy, but with commitment and work it can be accomplished. Hurt and betrayal vs. safety and security… you choose!

Denise Silverstein can be contacted via email deniselcsw@hotmail.com.