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When we ask people what would happen if they increased the level of honesty in their relationships, typical responses are:

"I couldn't do that."

"He/she could never take it."

"I wouldn't hurt them like that."

"What purpose would be served by pointing out all his/her faults?"

(Responsible honesty is about disclosing yourself, not describing the other person.) The common element in all these responses is the clear implication that there's a lot of dishonesty in the relationships.

Here are some of the ways the dishonesty is rationalized:

"I don't want to hurt his/her feelings."

Protecting the other person is probably the most common reason given for being dishonest. No doubt this is a genuine motive in some cases. In others, it's a rationalization. We need to ask ourselves, are we really thinking of the other person or are we protecting ourselves from having to deal with their reaction to the truth? Even if our motives are pure, there's still a chance that our secrecy will eventually do them more harm than the truth.

"He/she doesn't want to know the truth."

Much of the time this is an assumption that's never checked out. It's especially convenient to assume this when we aren't personally prepared to deal with the truth. This assumption by one partner often leads to an unspoken agreement by both to be dishonest as the relationship ages. Neither partner thinks of it as being dishonest. It's just being practical and respecting each other's wishes. Of course, sometimes this is more than an assumption. Sometimes, for instance, one spouse will specifically say something, especially about a sensitive subject like extramarital affairs, that reinforces this assumption.