Honesty! What It Is
And What It Can Do
continued
These statements are short-sighted in that they don't consider the consequences of defining honesty in this way. If we want to change our lifelong pattern of suspicion, anxiety, and pain, we need a new standard of honesty.
All too often, when we think of "honesty," we think of "brutal honesty" (unloading or dumping our negative feelings). For instance, if someone says: "Can I be perfectly honest?"... you know that the next words out of their mouth are likely to be some kind of criticism. But that is not "responsible honesty."
Responsible honesty is a special kind of honesty that a couple undertake for the specific purpose of sharing "who you really are," allowing each of you to fully "know each other," so you can build a stronger bond, a stronger connection. And within that framework, you can talk about absolutely anything!
Telling the truth in relationships is hard work, but it's essential if we're to develop intimacy and keep the relationship alive and growing. It's hard because we have to search our thoughts and feelings to be sure we're getting at the important stuff. Often we have mixed feelings about an issue, and it's difficult to be clear within our own minds, much less be able to express it accurately to someone else. We also change as the relationship progresses, and it takes ongoing work to keep up with where we stand, both as individuals and as a couple.
It's also very tough to sustain an honest marriage within a dishonest society. It's like swimming upstream against a very strong current. It takes a tremendous effort to make any headway at all. On the other hand, swimming downstream is a cinch. It takes very little effort to simply go along for the ride.
This is what happens all too often. We take what we think is the easy way out—just keeping our thoughts to ourselves. It's no wonder we often give up on our relationships when the level of withheld thoughts and feelings seems too great to overcome.
Unfortunately, people haven't appreciated how much risk is involved in dishonesty. They typically focus only on the risks they fear in being more honest. And this is particularly true when it comes to discussing sexual issues.
Frankly, most people are dishonest about sex. They don't consciously choose to be that way. In fact, they're often not aware of it—until there's a crisis in their lives that forces them to face it. One such event is discovering that your spouse has had an extramarital affair. This is what happened to James and me. Our efforts to understand and deal with this issue led us to a degree of honesty with each other that we had never considered possible.
©1996-2007 DearPeggy.com
You can purchase “The Monogamy Myth” or other books by Peggy Vaughan, by visiting her website, DearPeggy.com, where you will also have access to her many articles, join in discussions, and learn more about The Beyond Affairs Network.
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