Should I Tell About My Affair?
continued
First of all, they need to be motivated by a desire to improve the relationship, not a desire to unload their feelings of guilt. They also need to be prepared to hang in and work through their partner's reactions to the information, regardless of what those reactions may be. And it's important that they plan the timing of their disclosure of an affair. They need to consider such things as their partner's general level of self-esteem, what other issues or pressures their partner is currently dealing with, and whether their partner has a clear understanding that they are loved. The first task of the person who plans to disclose an affair is to attend to these needs of their partner to be able to hear what they have to say.
Perhaps the most critical factor in determining the impact of this disclosure is having an understanding of affairs in the context of society as a whole. For instance, if a person is told of their mate's affair—and they see it only as a personal reflection on them and strictly as a personal failure on the part of their mate—they're likely to feel the devastation that has been so typical of this situation.
However, if a person is told of their mate's affair—and they recognize it is not a reflection on them personally and that their mate is not solely responsible for its happening—they're much more likely to be able to hear it and deal with it in a way that leads to improving their lives in the long run.
As more professionals include this societal perspective in their work with couples seeking their help, they may be more inclined to encourage responsible disclosure as a way of working toward building a relationship based on honesty. There are indications that some therapists have come to believe in the need to overcome our secretive way of dealing with affairs. One therapist who supports the importance of honesty is Frank Pittman, author of Private Lies.
Another professional who has written extensively about the importance of honesty is John Powell. In his book, The Secret of Staying in Love, he makes a compelling argument for honesty as the basis for achieving the kind of relationship most people want.
"Some say that you cannot be totally open and honest with those you love. It would destroy them. These people say that we need only to be real in the part of ourselves that we do reveal. I do not believe this."
"Each person must make a fundamental judgment about the stability, the depth of understanding and acceptance in the relationship involved. The presumption is that these communications should either be made now, or, if that would seem imprudent, then the revelation should be made at some time in the future when the necessary depth of understanding and acceptance have been achieved. Permanent withholding will always be a permanent deficiency in the relationship, an obstacle to the love that could have been."
Unfortunately, most professionals who discourage disclosure of an affair also discourage too much discussion once an affair is discovered.
©1996-2007 DearPeggy.com
You can purchase “The Monogamy Myth” or other books by Peggy Vaughan, by visiting her website, DearPeggy.com, where you will also have access to her many articles, join in discussions, and learn more about The Beyond Affairs Network.
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