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Rebuilding A Marriage

One thing I had to discover and learn through the process was that I say stuff that is not necessarily true. But at the beginning it helped me to begin discussing the situation if I wasn't judged and confronted instantly for every false thing I said. It was a lot easier to blame you. It was a lot easier to look at outward things as opposed to inward things. So if I could look at things that I blamed you for at least it was a start to communication. As we continued the talking I began to discover what I did wrong, which was far more difficult for me. When you were willing to listen to me without reacting or passing judgment you facilitated my healing. When you didn't listen to anything I had to say or when you reacted negatively every single time I said something, then I didn't want to talk to you anymore.

Anne: Then you are saying that part of the fact that you opened up to me and were willing to discuss the situation was to your credit that you were willing to do that, but part of it was to my credit that I actually helped you by creating an atmosphere that made it possible for you to open up and begin to openly share your true feelings. So when people complain that their spouse is not willing to talk about the affair, part of that could be their fault that they are not creating an atmosphere where they can share. It might not be all their spouses fault that they aren't opening up. It might be partially their own fault.

Brian: Most unfaithful spouses that want to heal their marriages don't want to talk about what they have done wrong at first. It's a humbling thing to say "I hurt you, I made this mistake, and I've done these things wrong." Nobody really wants to have to go through that. Nobody really wants to face their own mistakes. If in fact you're going to get reamed out for doing it, it discourages you from trying at all. The betrayed spouse needs to try to create the atmosphere or opportunities for discussion and when those opportunities arise, which could be in the midst of an argument; they need to work on recognizing that it is an opportunity. They need to listen to what their spouse has to say and somehow try to put themselves in their spouse's shoes and imagine "if I were the one that had the affair, and my spouse talked to me the way I talk to my spouse, would I be willing to talk? Would it be pleasant? Would I feel respected and loved? Would I feel that my spouse truly desired reconciliation? Or would I feel that they just wanted to get all the details, without really wanting to understand WHY I had the affair? Would I feel that they truly desired to UNDERSTAND me?