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Rebuilding A Marriage

Consider the analogy about the jigsaw puzzle (Joseph's letter). The person who had the affair sees the whole picture. The BP (betrayed person) only sees the parts of the picture which have been revealed by the unfaithful spouse. One guy has all the puzzle pieces. The spouse that went through the affair knows all the details. They have the whole picture. The part that got overlooked in this analogy, the part you really want to know is what the painter is like, not every detail of the picture. It's the painter who has painted the picture. It's important to get all the details, but it's more important to understand WHY the spouse had the affair. Our imaginations create mountains out of mole hills. Here's where the trust factor is affected. If you don't understand me, the painter (the betrayer), and why I did what I did, we will not be able to make positive changes in our relationship, and you will not be able to trust me again. If I do one little thing wrong, if I'm 10 minutes late, your imagination can create a tremendous fantasy which is all untrue. So though the betrayed spouse is told all the details, there is no understanding WHY the Betrayer did what they did. Then it's just a detail that doesn't mean something. And I think that if people really want to work out their relationships, BOTH persons in the marriage need to be understood.

Anne: But someone has to step out and do the understanding without yet being understood. The BP feels victimized and devastated, yet they've got to step one step beyond that.

Brian: Certainly the hurt period is there and it can go on for a long time, but you can't wait until the hurt period is gone before you begin the work of healing. In the midst of all the pain, the BP has to somehow listen to their unfaithful spouse. You are dealing with someone who has a character flaw right now. I believe that it is more difficult for the betrayer in their present state of mind to say "honey I think we need to sit down and talk about the things that I've done wrong in this relationship. This is what has happened."

Anne: That's the thing that's backwards from what one would expect. We, the betrayed, feel that we've been wronged and now it's time for the other person to pay us back and reconcile and be willing to be the one to step up to the plate, but because of the way the betrayer is feeling and thinking at the time, it's highly unlikely for that to happen. So if you, the betrayed person, want to reconcile the relationship you have to understand how difficult the whole thing actually is for the betrayer. The betrayer is not really willing to say they are sorry. The spouse has to understand.