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Rebuilding A Marriage

Brian: I think the betrayer does feel sorry.

Anne: Yes, but they're not yet verbalizing any of that. They are not doing anything to make it easier for the spouse to listen and to calm down. Even though the person that's been betrayed has been really hurt, if they want to reconcile the relationship they can increase their chances for healing tremendously by stepping above their hurt and endeavoring to understand the betrayed person first, even if the betrayer has not yet expressed great remorse, brought home flowers and whatever else the BP may be expecting of them in order to try and right the wrong.

Brian: No, no. Certainly the betrayer needs to work on making amends for their actions. In our relationship we spent countless hours together doing fun stuff and countless hours in discussions about the affair. The betrayed person has to be wooed back to some kind of emotional connection with the betrayer. And the betrayer has to bring some level of reconciliation there. They can't just leave it up to their spouse to just deal with it. No, that will never work.

Anne: Do you think that when a spouse has had an affair, where they may have been close before, now there is a great separation and they are miles apart? There is a huge gap in the relationship emotionally. The betrayed person who has also moved far away emotionally expects the betrayer to come back to where they were before it happened all in one step, but the reality is that the betrayer says they are sorry but usually not in a very nice way, yet it is actually a positive step forward. Then the betrayed person gets mad because it's not the way they wanted it to be. They think it's not good enough. Instead they need to recognize the positive effort the betrayer is making to move forward and reward that positive effort with perhaps an understanding conversation or a fun time out, so that they make it more attractive for the betrayer to take steps in the right direction. Then the betrayer will be more likely to move forward in the marriage. If the BP retaliates and gets angry then the gap widens again. We are all looking for the big steps but they usually don't happen. Maybe we need to acknowledge and look for the small steps the spouse is making towards reconciliation.